The Internet's Long Memory and Empathy

Sunday's New York Times included a fascinating feature on the unforgiving memory of the internet and how it is affecting our social lives and careers. Starting with the sad story of a woman who lost her chance to get a teaching degree because of an unfortunate Facebook photo, it explores both social and technological fixes for the problem.The conclusion?

In the meantime, as all of us stumble over the challenges of living in a world without forgetting, we need to learn new forms of empathy, new ways of defining ourselves without reference to what others say about us and new ways of forgiving one another for the digital trails that will follow us forever.

The problem with that, of course, is that the internet itself has some features that can reduce empathy. The first, as we've discussed often here, is that it takes away time spent in face-to-face interactions between the youngest children and their parents-here, it is a negative influence to the extent that it cuts into this limited time. Children under three do not benefit from screen time-- though parents shouldn't make themselves crazy, they should be aware that it's only benefit (and a real one) is keeping parents who need adult time sane.

Second are the "flaming" "griefing" "trolling" and "cyberbullying" that go on online: these are facilitated by the fact that the internet makes it easy to forget about the feelings of those being targeted. Research shows that it is easier to act inhumane when you dehumanize your opponent: the internet eases this because you can't see your victims' face.

That said, the internet does have ways of enhancing empathy: it is also easier to act on any kind of impulse-- including generous and kind ones-- online than it is offline. This can not only increase charitable giving but also offer words of kindness that can sustain people who are struggling. People who post accounts of struggles with issues like diseases or infertility are often astonished by how kind and helpful "strangers" they've gotten to know only online can be.

Indeed, in Born for Love, we include the story of an Icelandic woman who was offered financial help after the crash hit her country hard. It came in the form of a mailed, fully-legitimate ATM card that she was told she could simply use as needed. The card was sent by someone she had met online-only in a role-playing game. Although she didn't ever need to use it, this was an act that could happen only through the net.

So, while we work to develop technological fixes for the problem of having developed a machine that never lets you forget a youthful indiscretion (or for that matter, any type of mistake at any age), we can also work on our own empathy levels and on teaching it to our children. The brain becomes what it does-- the more we practice compassion and connection, the better at it we get.