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We tend to think of empathy as something that comes from “knowing what it’s like” to feel pain—but the origins of empathy are in shared nurture.
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Nice.
Lovely piece. I find the concept of “lead by example” a good way to go. Well said.
I am quite astounded at the lack of empathy I have encountered in the last few years, especially among younger people. It frightens me a bit. I often wonder what it is that can make some seem so uncaring, or seem to take almost utter joy from the suffering of others. Perhaps the internet, the levels of anonymity offered, make it easier to learn detachment and peer group induced apathy, (or joy in anothers suffering.)
thanks!!
Hey St. B -- really appreciate it! One of the themes of our book, is in fact, the way the modern world can threaten empathy. There are a bunch of factors that go into this-- Internet can be a force for both good and ill-- but watch this space as we'll definitely have more on that soon.
Thank you, this subject seems
Thank you, this subject seems almost tabo; there is very little honest discussion around it, more an unhelpful polarisation of views.
I made the mistake of listening to others when I didn’t know how to parent my two year old son. The ‘others’ – well intentioned they were – said discipline the tough love way was best. It was a miserable, stressful, frustrating time for all of us, most of all my son, for many years. He is 16 now and I am not sure if there are similarities between those ages, as stages of change? I found myself in a similar situation (with a 16 year old boy) with parents and other well intentioned people telling me to ‘hard line it’. To my utter relief and that of my son and his sister, I decided to go with my heart. To let him experience consequences of his actions, but to never judge or put him down. I have emphasised love, empathy and understanding of what it is like to be 16 and used honesty as much as I can. I have faced backlash from his peer’s parents for this – they have blamed me for their children’s actions. The outcome for my son, daughter, myself and our family is that my son is back. The boy he once was, before the mistakes made when he was younger, is back. Neither he nor us have to use argument, force or intimidation as a front anymore. He is caring, loving, and empathetic with his feet firmly on the ground. It is a delight to us all that we have him back. He is able to experiment with life as a 16 year old, he faces consequences for that, he also experiences the fun of that. Ultimately he is forming his own views; it is a pleasure and an honour to know this emerging man that is my son. The entire experience has helped us all to never make the mistake of taking the ‘hard line’ but to understand people are all doing the best they can at any given time. This experience has bought my son, daughter and myself so much closer; it has formed a very strong bond that is really beautiful.
and thank you as well..
It's really moving to hear stories like yours and I'm so glad your family is doing well now. Being kind and setting limits-- and recognizing when a child needs more independence is a hard balance to strike at any age, but particularly early on and in the teens.
One of the things I learned reporting about "tough love" is that parents tend to know their kids better than any expert or outsider does and when they don't listen to their hearts, they can be led astray by people who believe that being tough is always the answer.
I agree with you Maia and the
I agree with you Maia and the Anonymous poster.
So many people will give 'advice' and reel when 'you' don't act on such advice. They have come from a 'perspective' of their own personal experiences of life (which is not yours); sometimes impose on your family's experience (which is not theirs); tell you the what's, how's, when's, why's and wherefore's of parenting your children (who are not theirs).
As with each individual human and other living species, we all have our own temperament, personality, abilities, physical/psychological/health/socio-economic (etc.) disposition/experience and so on.
Some people mean well; some people are just interfering types; some are ignorant; some offer advice which is somewhat or totally irrelevent to one's own circumstances, and so on.
I feel that when one is guided by their instinct, intuition and heart; individually unique in relation to the child they are parenting; a bond which belongs to no one other; are able to choose a 'path' which honours those elements; feels confident in such and confident, too, in 'sifting' through the 'advice' provided by others, then I feel we as the one's charged with the responsibility of nurturing our children, we can aim (hope and have faith) to do what is 'best' for our own unique 'unit'.
Children will always need our guidance and parameters/boundaries, but I feel the best outcomes are achieved when these things are complimented with love, patience, understanding, wisdom and respect for their beingness. All guided by our moral intelligence.
Maia , your article speaks to
Maia , your article speaks to the essence of what it is to be present in life . It is as the flow of a river , a cadence of life . A harmony that is known from within . A compassion that is not a thought but is taken in each step of life. An awareness to see and listen to what is around . So not to miss what they life has do behold as what we too can offer another .
I agree, plus
Empathy, to me, involves much more than being sensitive to the emotional state of others. It involves sensing "where they are at", their honesty, their sincerity and other aspect of what they think, feel and do. When I was 12, I went to an older cousin (14) and told her that I was "seeing" all sorts of strange things about people. She said yes, it was true & what about "this, this & this" Which I was atill trying to ignore. My reaction was, about,
Oh S.... I am not crazy.
So, I would suggest that validating childrens true observations is important, but It does open a door that is hard to close.
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