If you’re an avid on-line dating bohemian like me (with multiple profiles up on the many free friendship, dating, and social networking websites) the number of relationships you end each month may equal or exceed the number located in the “Pay This Amount” on your monthly electricity bill.
Whereas a typical breakup can take anywhere from 3 hours to 6 months (to read my post on the million day breakup >click here) expect to spend no more than 45 seconds on a text breakup...and it’s much easier (unless you have a limited text message plan).
Modern men no longer need to be bogged down with "the talk," icky hurt, vulnerable feelings or resolutions. The millennium was made for the modern man.
1. Start with a small breakup then work your way up.
My sister met a guy on PlentyofFish.com. They talked on the phone four times and then met at Starbucks. Once there, he proceeded to hold her and her Skinny Vanilla Latte hostage while he wooed her with poetry that he’d written specifically for her. My sister is still traumatized.
Yankee Candle is the new black just like 43 is the new 23 and the text goodbye is the new hello.
Now, she only meets potential internet dates in the parking lot at Yankee Candle. If her date passes a preliminary interview, they’ll move into the store and if he behaves in the store, he may get a second date. If he doesn’t pass her test, she gets in her car and drives home. She calls this the six minute date.
I’ve since gone out on a lot of my own six minute dates. I wasn’t able to find a Yankee Candle in New York City so I modified the technique. This involves meeting a girl at a coffee shop, spending six minutes at one table, six minutes at another table and so on and so forth. An exceptional date might include half a dozen six minute interludes.
ADVICE: There’s a lot less pressure to cut your loses early at the end of a six minute date. Before moving onto bigger, better and more complicated breakups, I suggest sending a breakup text from across a table.
2. Know that you are breaking up through text.
Breaking up through text doesn’t have to be a shallow afterthought. If you’re sitting around naked and then decide, “I think I should breakup through text,” you should at least put on a pair of underwear. (It’s altogether different if your girlfriend is sitting around in her underpants and decides, “I think I should breakup through text” and it’s also altogether different if you’re sitting around in her underpants).
ADVICE: If a naked woman initiates the breakup through text, you can’t then decide that you’re going to get naked and breakup through text. If this is the case, then you’re not breaking up through text, you’re having millennial phone sex.
3. Remember, girls are not boys.
Do not be fooled. This Papua New Guinean went to breakup with his internet date and ended up moving in with her.
Sugar and spice and everything nice aside, forget what you’ve heard about “I feel ..." statements. These are nothing but a psychological trick developed by hungry women cannibals in Papua New Guinea. Everybody knows that women can never be encouraged to retreat by using the word “feel” or any of it’s derivatives. Whenever a woman hears the word “feel” (short for“feelings”) you’re going to encourage her.
ADVICE: Girls like sensitive guys. So, don’t even think about using a sentence like "I feel like you're a snake" as a form of repellant. She’ll insist you come over to “talk about it” and the next thing you know three naked months of your life will slip by.
4. Use a text that dramatically halts the forward momentum of your relationship.
Venusian Artists like Mystery are often known to use big words like Jell-O in place of Hello.
Big words are a good choice. Big words hold a lot of meaning. Venusian artists always use big words.
ADVICE: May I recommend the following words: saxicolous, sesquipedalian or Pettifogger.
5. If you're specific now, you can look at this feeling later and know that you failed.
Everyone knows that knowledge gained from success is often fleeting while knowledge from failure sticks around for years....maybe even until your future incarnation as an African Bat Bug. For instance, in middle school I was known as the Ambassador to Twin Nation. I only weighed 93 pounds, I dated three sets of twins, and my nickname was String Bean (actually I had a dual nickname. Some called me “Beaner”). My aerodynamic build allowed me to efficiently date one twin, breakup, start dating the other twin, breakup and then go back to the original twin all within the course of a month.
ADVICE: Specificity is good for your karma (to read my post on the benefits of lying >click here) I am proud to say that in my long history of failed love relationships I never ever cheated on a girlfriend. (I was however, hit with 3 flower pots, chased with an iron skillet, and left unconscious in a bathroom at Skateland covered in SweetTarts).
6. Text “We need to talk” wait 30 minutes and then text “I’m not Attracted to You Anymore.”
This is the best method to use with a girlfriend who has an existing self esteem issue or is currently working on overcoming one. My ex used a modified version of this method on me. Two years later, I’ve got the therapy bill to prove it. If you use this method, your ex will most likely get into therapy sooner and recover faster than if you use another method.
ADVICE: Although looks aren’t something we can change, one of my friends in his sixties insists that his feet and nose are getting larger while the rest of his body is shrinking.
7. Text your "Misery List" to her from a tree.
Climb a tree with your iPhone and make a list of all the things your ex-isn’t giving you. I suggest using
It's plain and simple. A man has many more options in a tree.
an app called Simplenote which will allow you to go back and revise previous drafts of your Misery List for future exes.
ADVICE: Some prefer to use this method because it will provide you with a safe method for breaking up. Everybody knows girls don't like to climb trees (because boys with iPhones breaking up with them are usually up there).
8. Wear Clark Kent Glasses and Eat Cookies.
I recently met a woman on OKCupid. Our love potential was listed as follows:
Match = 9% - Friend = 0% - Enemy = 91%
Embrace your oatmeal-cookie-eating-inner-superhero and achieve a breakup at the same time.
Despite the lackluster percentages, our chemistry upon meeting took me by surprise. We immediately went on 312 six minute dates during our first 24 hours together. We couldn’t help ourselves. You know how sometimes when you go to refill your truck at the gas station and the gasoline spills all over your hands by accident and then you smell
like gas for the rest of the day? Well, our sexual chemistry was just like that.
ADVICE: Breaking up with a woman with whom you have nothing in common with but have a lot of chemistry with is different than breaking up with a woman you have a ton in common with. To be be dignified, may I suggest wearing Clark Kent glasses and eating cookies when you breakup with this type of woman.
9. When in doubt tithe.
Since memory and smell are intertwined, may I recommend a method of breaking up though text which I discovered by complete accident. Seek the Goat Cheese car on the NYC subway. This is the car that is completely empty during rush hour. (If you’re a New Yorker you know why. If you’re not, then ask a New Yorker). In the future, you’ll associate the memory of your breakup with a fragrant flashback that reeks of candied fecal matter, real goat cheese wrapped in wet wool and death.
ADVICE: For karma’s sake, leave a cash offering in the seat. Let’s face it, you’ll probably be coming back to the same car a couple dozen more times throughout the year.
10. Disappear like That Sock in the Usher Song.
"All great change in America begins at the dinner table." Ronald Reagan
Once you’ve decided to breakup through text, breakup through text.
ADVICE: Buena Suerte!
Note on cell phone usage: Though none of the online dating sites currently condone this method, a permit (in New York at least) is not needed to breakup through text.
For a more developed social media picture of Slash Coleman, the author of this blog, check out all of his adventures on Twitter: twitter/Slashcoleman - Facebook: facebook/slashtiphercoleman - Pinterest: pinterest/slashcoleman - Website: slashcoleman.com