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One sexual enigma perplexes both women and their clinicians: Why do so many American women report difficulties in bed? Read More
Whatever rocks her boat.
But so then, can a woman be submissive in bed only and not in all the other social contexts, while remaining sexually healthy? I hope so.
I like equality because, in this contemporary world in practice, that's what makes life easier If I'm on a relationship. Delegating/sharing responsibilities and avoiding plots that may lead to blame-games later on. I believe I can easily recognize women who like to see displays of dominance in prospective partners(and it's probably, as you say, most of them), and I've done that before just cause I knew she would be watching/responding and liking it, for at those moments my interest in getting into her pants was the major driving force. But truth is I don't genuinely enjoy bossing people around or acting like a bad boy, etc. I find these kinds of behaviors disruptive, and have this idea that we can lead our lives in a more rational way. Maybe it's my utopia, who knows.
YEAH!
I like the way you think Leonardo C.! Yes they can. I have a saying that I like to be (consensually)dominated in one room of the house - the bedroom. It's great there but not in the other rooms. And a man who understand what you have so well articulated in indeed a treasure!
The Principles of Social Competence
There's a huge section about this material in "The Principles of Social Competence" that speaks about how feminism's version of gender roles inhibits healthy sexuality. In fact, the overbearing model of feminism has infected society to the point where divorces are now the norm.
I think it's facile to blame
I think it's facile to blame divorce on feminism. It seems an extraordinarily complex vat of factors probably leads to divorce.
I'm not sure divorce is such a terrible problem. I have friends who grew up in loveless marriages that have battled with relationship problems. My parents divorced when I was two and I'm glad because my father is an alcoholic. He's nice to his kids, but not nice to his wives (4). So, you can see why I think the feminism/divorce link is problematic on many levels.
In terms of this article in general, it's just not true for me. I've been attracted to big guys, small guys, guys with deep voices, guys with regular voices, shy guys and extroverted ones. I don't know what makes me attracted to someone but these evolutionary inspired ideas never apply to me. It's strange too, because I really like the logic when it is applied to food, and I'm trying to eat more primal/archevore. But I'm a big, tall, girl with big muscles. I don't really prefer sex with a lot of power/drama/scripted nonsense because it's like porno-reenactment and that' so cheesy. I mean, I wouldn't model my domestic life after an episode of three's company. As a thinking and passionate person I'm sort of repelled by that.
Anyhow- people seem to be attracted to me despite the fact that I'm a feminist, bigger then most girls and not particularly submissive. And I continue to find sensitive, shy, thinking, social workers who aren't bigger or bossier than I am - really, really charming.
loveless relationships...
"I have friends who grew up in loveless marriages that have battled with relationship problems."
Loveless marriage and relationship problems would be symptom of the new society. Meaning men and females aren't displaying "properly" because of new social "condition-ings" and that is destroying attraction, desire love. (Thus the relationships are "loveless".)
Jeez. You don't pay attention well. Also you are willfully blind most likely motivated by a lifetime of political condition-ings which profit you. (You respond to someone who says "divorce was caused by feminism" with... "No, divorce was caused by loveless-ness", while ignoring that the modern "loveless" condition --lacking in attraction, desire and compatibility-- was caused by feminism. Ie I accuse you of childish tautology.)
And lastly, if feminism hasn't been the one major tremendous force creating the new social "condition-ings", then what would have done it? And WHY would any honest observer choose to ignore the tremendous force of feminism as that main driving force for change in our social sexual displays?
You need to use your brain
It's incredibly stupid to ignore the damage feminism has done to relationships in the world today. You sound just like a mindless feminists yapping cliches instead of looking at the evidence presented.
But then again, you're a woman. And women aren't exactly known for their intelligence.
Also you're a feminist. And we know from experience that feminists are liars to the core. There are many documented reports showing how feminists have lied to the government, the public, you name it. Here's a prime example of feminist lies
You need to use your brain
It's incredibly stupid to ignore the damage feminism has done to relationships in the world today. You sound just like a mindless feminists yapping cliches instead of looking at the evidence presented.
But then again, you're a woman. And women aren't exactly known for their intelligence.
Also you're a feminist. And we know from experience that feminists are liars to the core. There are many documented reports showing how feminists have lied to the government, the public, you name it. Here's a prime example of feminist lies
LOL Nice copout to insults,
LOL Nice copout to insults, wise one.
Amen, Leonardo! Those filthy,
Amen, Leonardo!
Those filthy, asshole bastards who even think of hypnotizing women into sexual acts should be permanently sexually crippled. I do not think most men fantasize about truly ruling a woman.
Evidence
"On the other hand, most men are aroused by being dominant, as evidenced by the massive cross-cultural popularity of dominance-themed adult Web sites for men"
How is this "evidence?"
evidence
Why do you deny that this is evidence? Do you think women are just as likely as men to frequent male-oriented web sites?
Is there a way to verify the sex of individuals who consume particular types of erotica? For example, I've run into quite a few women whose favored type of porn is male-male films that were intended to appeal to gay men.
More like: how is the
More like: how is the existence of a bumper crop of male-targeted porn evidence that "most men" like being dominant in bed? Unless you have direct evidence to tie numbers of men to numbers of porn viewers and the type of porn, you're simply jiggering with population stats, surveys (surely they're objective), and site usage numbers. Assuming, of course, you can find reputable sources of all three.
Porn popularity IS evidence- market forces
It's evidence because people won't pay for things that have no value to them; porn costs money; you can bet these sites would not be so numerous if no one was buying. it's pretty obvious if you understand even the most basic economics.
It's "pretty obvious" there
It's "pretty obvious" there is a market, but extrapolating innate human tendencies from the existence of some websites is ridiculous.
Besides, I get my porn for free.
innate human tendencies
"It's "pretty obvious" there is a market, but extrapolating innate human tendencies from the existence of some websites is ridiculous."
Pretty neat coincidence that our human porn and erotic markets mimic to a tee the most numerously occurring mammal "ethological" (social sexual) mating rituals, huh? And further, pretty neat the way our male and female human biochemistries and lower brain structures mimic to a tee the other mammals' too?
Wow... That patriarchal social engineering is all powerful: it even victimizes the other mammals...
There is also a common fetish
There is also a common fetish of men wanting to be dominated by women. There are women who get paid to cater to it - dominatrixes. The outfits they wear inspire everyday fashions, especially footwear. Look at Madonna videos! It is pretty mainstream. I'm sure there are websites for that too. Ok now I'm done! I don't want to do a survey... :-)
I shudder to think if men actually want their woman to act like a porn star in real life. Its a fantasy, not reality. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to live in a Jane Austen novel as much as I enjoy the fantasy of that fictional world. I might enjoy the idea of Fabio, but not the reality of Fabio.
like teats on a bull...
The crossing of displays and desires (including femdom) was touched on by the article. (Go read that section again about the latent potentials in both genders --like nipples on male mammal.)
It isn't that complicated. And it especially should be understandable at a psychology venue, since psychology specifically deals with the numerous varied ways that "environmental constructs" (nurture syndromes, social condition-ings, "epi-genetic stresses") effect the individual --his chemicals, glands, nerves etc --as he/she matures.
Or if one chooses to remain _conveniently_ ignorant [ie politically motivated] and simply recite the glib cant of "genes", these other crossed-role types can be said to be simply genetic "outliers" on the successful-breeding bell-curve-chart. (Ie freaks.) _They are variants that can only survive now because of the NEW and recent selection pressure niches unique to modern human civilization (just like runty dogs are outlier wolves and can only survive now because of man's unique new selection environments)._
Not rocket science people.
You're an idiot. The kinsey
You're an idiot. The kinsey scale isn't new.
Sexuality is not digital with 0/1 as the only options. It is a wide spectrum.
I am a woman. I am sexually dominant. I am occasionally also sexually submissive- but so far only with other women.
Just because the patriarchal mindset has stopped the porn I like from being acceptable doesn't mean I don't exist or am an anomaly. Capisce?
Feminism means 'the right to choose.' I can choose to be a housewife, I may choose to work 16 hour days. My husband/wife may choose to be a stay-at-home spouse. That none of this is demeaning or wrong is what feminism stands for.
This article is so much fail.
Whatever works
I think this article has an interesting topic to discuss and I did appreciate the footnote. But I felt like the title "Why Feminism is the Anti-Viagra" or claiming that social equality is undermining sexuality misses the point. Of course if someone isn't comfortable if they do have the desire to be dominated because they feel like it undermines their principles of equality.. that's another issue. I'm a feminist and am also totally okay with being dominated in the bedroom and I know many others in the same position, having a equal relationship but different roles in that one area. I feel like the article tried to be more inflammatory than needed and it left a bad taste in my mouth.
I agree; this author was
I agree; this author was silly. I am a woman and basically am unwilling and unable to force my body to have sex with a man who does act in equal relationship with me, including in earning/parenting/childcare/unpaid chores of life (once that is established, then there is room to play games of dom/sub if you're into that).
David Schnarch's book "Passionate Marriage" is very helpful on this issue. He sees emotional and psychological differentiation as the key to Viagra-less (i.e. natural and unforced) arousal in both men and women.
Whoops, made a critical typo.
Whoops, made a critical typo. I meant to say "I am a woman and basically am unwilling and unable to force my body to have sex with a man who does not act in equal relationship with me, including in earning/parenting/childcare/unpaid chores of life (once that is established, then there is room to play games of dom/sub if you're into that)."
The Freudian slip (if it was that) was probably due to the fact that I have had to work hard to undo programming from my very patriarchal, and traumatizing family of origin. My father was a jerk and did not support my autonomy and my mother was very dissociated, inhibited and unreliable - so I have to remind myself that they are alternatives sometimes.
I cannot even make myself have sex with jerks anymore; only a good man will do. A big thank you to the men and women who have supported women's equality in the political economy and to an excellent therapist.
Brilliant post, Anon! I have
Brilliant post, Anon! I have a similar background and now a partner who is willing to be my social equal and is a "good guy." I was, a few years ago in my early twenties, attracted to the a-hole types, but now in my late twenties I desire an equal partnership and, fortunately, so does my fiance.
And you wonder why men are
And you wonder why men are confused?Women have neutered men to the point all the decent ones are too anxious of acting overly aggressive in the bedroom without explicit permission (which often kills the mood in the first place) and those who just dont give a damn are the assholes who want to dominate women in and out of the bedroom. I think society needs to dial back the condemnation of male sexuality just a notch and let men be men and women be women. Yes I can pull your hair smack your ass (or worse) and still love you, want you to be the mother of my children and respect your opinion the next morning.
I'm not confused
-though I understand where you're coming from: Females gain a reproductive advantage from confusing males, so that's just business as usual and the normal state of affairs. It's part of the terrain. If you don't want that feeling of confusion, don't go there in the first place.
The lack of equality is in the fact that feminism criminalized normal male sexuality, but did not similarly criminalize regular everyday female passivity/submissiveness or those confusion inducing behaviors -- if anything it just amplified them.
Fucktard mangina
You sound like a fucktard mangina with your balls in a woman's purse. Go put your tampons back in you little bitch.
Um, there is such a thing as
Um, there is such a thing as consensual domination. A respectful person has the courtesy to ask what their partner is ok with and respects their boundaries instead of just assuming. Asking for permission first not "neutering," it's common decency. And if a woman (or man) actually WANTS more agression and dominance they could just, you know, ASK FOR IT! Here's a secret: the key to a satisfying sex life is COMMUNICATION and respect, not pseudo-scientific heteronormative gender stereotypes. You If you want to pull your partner;s hair or smack her butt fine, BUT you had damn better make sure she's honestly ok with that first!!!! I'm sorry that some men feel emasculated at the prospect of respecting their partners and treating them like human beings.
Perhaps I should have been
Perhaps I should have been more clear as I wrote in haste, but when I speak of explicit permission I dont mean asking if she is enjoying this but the need for literal signed legal contracts for what is or is not acceptable in sex or if sex is to take place in the first place.
Nor do I mean not asking her if she enjoys the activities were partake in, but many women are so held back by concepts of feminism the mere suggestion of such activities arouses such disgust and righteous indignation that suggesting anything but missionary looking into her eyes is demeaning her and turning her into a sex object. It is funny that the women s movement which was supposed to liberate female sexuality in many was has brought it back to a more puritanical age.
As for the bile and venom I will chalk that up again to my poorly written post.
I highly doubt you have the
I highly doubt you have the slightest idea of what feminism is really about. In terms of sexuality it is about empowering women to be comfortable in their sexuality and communicating with their partner about what they want and need. If a woman wants to have some rough sex, feminism is all supporting of that, as long as it is truly her choice and is not a result of a male dominated sexual experience that she has little control of. I doubt there are many feminists out there doing it missionary every night. A real feminist knows what she (or he) wants in the bedroom.
That's why if a guy wants to
That's why if a guy wants to be reproductively successfull with women, he's better off being a criminal then a doctor, lawyer, accountant... whatever.
The plus side, it's much easier to become a thuggish scumbag then it is to become a doctor, lawyer, accountant, etc.
Conflicting messages about female sexuality
I have two teenage daughters who are being told by school, counselors and church on a daily basis that sex is bad for girls and that they should be abstinent for as long as possible.
The fight about Planned Parenthood clearly shows that a majority of Americans think that even for married women, gynecological health problems are God's punishment for immorality and they should not receive any help because all female health problems are well deserved.
Women who want to avoid conception are condemned with as much furor and rage as the ones who have the children they conceive but cannot care for them without help.
At the same time, sexual refusal is met with blind rage by the men they interact with, and murder by an intimate partner ranks among the top causes of death for adult women in the US.
These men are of course socialized by the most brutal forms of porn in which the idea that sex could be something for the enjoyment of women doesn't even exist.
I think it is no wonder that between these different forces, the idea of being "forced to orgasm" represents an amalgamate between female desire, society's absolute disgust for female desire, and the prevailing rape fantasies of male sexual socialization.
Frankly, I don't see how you think that other concepts of female sexuality could even exist in this cultural climate?
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