Haley flirted with disaster in the third grade. Assignments were somehow lost between her backpack and the teacher's desk and from school to home. She had trouble keeping focused on classes that did not interest her, but excelled in those where her teachers were passionate. In addition, Haley has lost a lot of weight recently. I just saw Haley and her mother.  Haley's mother told me that her daughter is not eating much these days. The weight loss began last spring and is not getting better. How could this be? Is there a problem here? Are there stressors in Haley's life that the parents do not know about?

Haley's parents are both working full-time. Mother thinks that she may be in danger of being laid off at any time from her job in the aircraft industry. Plus...the market!   How is that going to affect the economy?  There are many worries. Should they also be concerned about Haley? Their other two children are doing fine. Could Haley's troubles lead to bigger problems? Should they talk to their pediatrician?

As mentioned last month, parenting is the "hardest job of all."  Attention to the details makes all the difference.  Even very astute and involved parents may miss the "big" picture of what is really going on. When is a flag a real sign of a problem? Our gut may squirm when we know that something is a little off, but we are not sure if it is significant. As parents, flags may help us to attend to the issue and motivate us to talk to others when we are worried. Flags can indicate a true problem if the following apply:

• Is the behavior occurring in many situations such as school, home, and social life?
• Is the behavior severe?
• Has the problem occurred over many months or even years?
• Is the problem worsening over time as your child ages?
• Is the behavior affecting other people such as parents, other students, and educators in a negative way?
• Is the behavior upsetting to your child?
• Is the behavior interfering with your child's ability to learn and/or socialize with their peers?
• Are you upset or are other individuals in your family telling you how frustrated they are?
• Are you changing your parenting style in order to help your child compensate for their weakness? For example, are you prompting your child more often than not to focus on homework and follow through on chores at home? Are you finding that you need to alert your child well in advance if there is a change in their schedule? Are you insisting that all play dates occur at your home so that you can monitor your child just in case something happens?

Think about these flags.  Are they occurring for you? If they are, you may have a "real" problem. It may be time to talk with your child's teachers and pediatrician more in depth to see if there is anything to be truly concerned about.

We will continue this discussion next month, as your child will be in the midst of learning new things at school.  Once October begins, the "honeymoon" will be over and your child will be fully immersed in the curriculum. Flags may appear at that time. Our job as parents is to pay attention to the flags and to intervene when necessary at the earliest opportunity. EARLY INTERVENTION IS EVERYTHING.

Please share your stories of the flags that you have encountered with your child. This information will help other parents understand that they are not alone. Comments concerning the following questions would be very helpful:

• What was it about the flag that concerned you?
• Did you do some investigative work to confirm your gut feeling?
• How long did it take you to acknowledge that there might be a problem?
• How old was your child when the flag occurred?
• How did you feel as a parent when you thought that something was "a little off?"

We have all been there as parents. As I mentioned earlier, every story is meaningful. Every flag could have meaning. Figuring out which flags point to a real problem can make a difference in getting your child the help that they truly need.

Best,

Karen L. Schiltz, Ph.D.
Psychologist (CA PSY 9508)
Private Neuropsychology Practice of Karen Schiltz Ph.D. and Associates
Associate Clinical Professor (Voluntary)
Medical Psychology Assessment Center
Semel Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior
Department of Psychiatry and Biobehavioral Services
Davis Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA