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I'm feeling exceptionally motivated at this moment, exhausted from a long day, anxious about having to come up with just the right words to convey what I hope to here, and yet ready to stay up all night at my computer if necessary to share with you a simple but profound motivation technique--the very same one that has me typing these words right now. I call this technique the Greater Good Perspective Shift, and I think it can change your life. It did mine. Read More
Thanks
Jeff,
A word of gratitude, from a long-time sufferer, as you continue to push the envelope in generating awareness of this brutal disorder.
I'll do my best to get myself and my family to the OCF conference this year.
Cheers....
RE: Thanks
Hope to see you at the DC conference, JW! - jeff
tired
My journey with OCD is amazingly parallel to the one Jeff Bell describes in Rewind, Replay, Repeat. As someone dealing with the hyper-responsibility version, it was a "me too" moment reading in Jeff's book about the driving by again and again the bumps in the road (who else does that?!~)and what if's... I'm tired.
I understand that I need to keep seeking the greater good and accepting uncertainty, but the energy it takes leaves me weary. I have made great progress at relabeling and minimizing assurance seeking but it still requires an amazing amount of mental and emotional energy that makes me tired of the journey.
There are so many times when the "easy" and less anxiety filled path is so much more appealing. OCD colors so many aspects of my life that no one on the outside has any idea --even the facade takes energy.
At what point do we say enough? When does the cost of fighting become greater than the victory? My latest quest is for living in the now, but in OCD-land that is non-existent -- only the past and the future fill my days and dreams at night.
I won't give up...but I'm tired.
To Tired
I am close to someone who struggled with severe OCD for a couple of decades, though it was worse at some times than others. Her OCD led her to believe that she was responsible for everything. And everything was everywhere and it was always bad. She talked about it being a waking nightmare. She would see a small pebble on the sidewalk, for instance, and would worry that it would cause someone to twist an ankle (maybe even fall and hit their head) so she would move the pebble onto the lawn, but then... a lawnmower could possibly catch it and throw it at someone, killing or maiming them. So she'd pick it up and take it home to dispose of it "safely." ... so that no one got hurt, which would have been her fault, she thought (if she hadn't picked up the pebble -- and taken away any uncertainty/danger). That's one example of what occupied a lot of her time, but when her OCD was the worst, "pebbles" were everywhere for her, all the time.
She had ups and downs for 20-odd years until things got really bad -- she couldn't touch people, or anything else, for fear that she would cause harm or death to others. She had hidden her OCD from almost everyone except for a couple of people.
Anyway, I'm going on... Really what I wanted to tell you is that you are inspiring. Yes, it is hard work. I've seen that. And yep, it sure must be incredibly tiring. It is exceedingly energy draining to accept uncertainty. But you are doing it! Look what you have accomplished! You say you have minimized asking for reassurance -- that is really, really HUGE! It sounds like you are strong and you are fighting this OCD beast down... I hope you congratulate yourself for the steps you are taking and what you are accomplishing.
My friend has moments of joy now (she did spend some time in the hospital when things got really low). The hospital encouraged various activities, and one that she found helped her be in the "now" is being in the outdoors. She started in a beginners hiking program through a local university and faced some challenges/fears there (just signing up was one!). She has been able to use her body in a way she never thought she could and the activities themselves are almost meditative in that she has to be "in the moment" to, for example, cross over those fallen logs or cross that stream. That has been a great healing activity to her. It doesn't erase all OCD symptoms, but it seems to help her get out of her head and into the immediate moment. And I've seen her exilerated after an outing/hike. I know this isn't the exact path for everyone, but new and physical activities have really helped my friend. And sometimes, they create joy for her.
Does any of this make sense? I think I've really rambled. But don't give up, as you say. There is some joy out there for you!
Re: To Tired
This is a fabulous post, Anonymous! I hope others who are recovering from OCD read it and take your advice to give themselves credit for the heroic work they're doing. Thank you!
- jeff
Re: Tired
I'm just catching up on posts today, and I want to thank you for sharing here, Cynthia. As the reader below pointed out so eloquently, you ARE very courageous to be tackling your challenges the way you are. I know from experience how tough this recovery work is, but I also know, firsthand, that the payoff is huge. And I have no doubt that you can, and will, find relief. I think you are right on track to pursue living in the now, because "the now" is the one place your "doubt bully" can't exist (since OCD, of course, is about fears surrounding the past and future). I hope you are finding the professional resources you need; and if not, I encourage you to check out the IOCDF web site at www.ocfoundation.org. Know that all of us in the OCD community are behind you, Cynthia.
Driving
My big OCD issue is driving (e.g., not causing an accident, the dreaded "what if?" questions, etc.).
I recently got the very sad news that my mom has cancer and will need help to get to her doctors appointments, chemotherapy, etc. I need and very much want to help in any way I can.
So, I've decided that my greater good in this case will be to buy a car and start helping to drive her to her appointments.
Wish me luck.
You, your mom, and driving
Hi Michael -- I do wish you luck. You are very courageous to even consider helping your mom this way, by driving her to medical appointments. I hope things go well for you and for your mother too.
Thanks for your words of
Thanks for your words of encouragement. I'm hoping for the best.
RE: Driving
Hi Michael,
I'm so sorry to hear about your mother's challenge. She is very fortunate to have such a loving and courageous son in her corner. Your commitment to putting service to your mother above the demands of your OCD "doubt bully" captures the essence of the Choosing Greater Good motivation concept I write about in this blog far better than any description I could offer. Thank you! As I shared in the blog, applying this concept is often quite tough. I hope you are working with a good exposure therapist who can help you tackle your driving challenges systematically. I will keep both you and your mother in my thoughts and prayers.
Greater Good
Hi Jeff. Thank you for your response. I went and looked at cars this weekend. I don't currently own one. So, I've started the process. I am working with a great therapist.
I'm not expecting it to be easy - either my driving or my Mom's treatments. But here goes....
I thought I would share with
I thought I would share with others what I've shared previously in the pure-o website. My OCD origin and subsequent spikes are related to intense feelings of anger and hurt that I was unable to express as a teen. I was the oldest growing up in an alcoholic, dysfunctional home where my parents physically abused each other in my presence. Since the situation was so volatile, and I didn't understand then that it was fueled by alcohol, I would do everything in my power to keep my parents from fighting and our family intact. Many times, I failed. I had tremendous anger and rage about the situation, but couldn't express it for fear of setting-off my parents. Moreover, I was uncomfortable with the thought that I could hate my parents in any way. To the outside world, we were the perfect family. I never considered telling anyone about what was going on.
I developed a fear that I would kill myself though I didn't want to. I told my parents about the "thoughts" and though they would listen, did nothing to help me. I'm convinced they didn't help me for fear of what would be revealed if I was provided counseling. At the time, I had no clue what would make the "thoughts" come and go. I thought I was going crazy.
It wasn't until I was in grad school that I first sought counseling because my obsessing became more severe. It was then that I first began to learn it was related to intense emotions that I felt pertaining to my parents but couldn't express.
I've been obsessing for 38 tears now, off and on. For me, conventional therapy, coupled with writing, punching pillows, yelling in the privacy of my car helps the spike to pass. The spikes are always related to something my parents have done/didn't do recently. As an example, I put in place rules for them that they are not to drink in my presence or call me if they've been drinking. The rules were clearly communicated in writing, for my own mental health and for the protection of my children. A few weeks ago my dad called after he had been drinking, and it set me off. Though I confronted him about it, told him he had broken the rules and it hurt and angered me a great deal, it still resulted in obsessing which is continuing to plague me at present.
My point is, for me, and perhaps others, there's a direct correlation between spikes and intense emotions which originated from a dysfunctional childhood. I've never read that in a book about OCD (I've read many), yet I know it exists for me.
A Breakthrough
Hi--I previously posted above the origin of my OCD growing up in a dysfunctional, alcoholic home. My OCD developed, I believe, as a means of distracting me from uncomfortable thoughts of anger and hate I felt towards my parents that I was unable to express and felt bad for having. I've realized, recently, that I don't hate my parents. What I hate is their alcoholism, which is a disease I can't cure or do anything about. I've spoken many times with my parents about their drinking and my belief they are alcoholics. Ultimately, its their lives and their choices. Directing my anger towards their alcoholism, rather than them, has provided me great relief and I'm on the road to clarity.
I hope this helps someone who has OCD and had similar experiences growing up.
Greater Good
Hello Jeff,
Your blog is so informative & inspirational. While I don't have OCD, it is a subject I have been researching for an Occupational Therapy Assistant class I’m taking. Your blog has helped me better understand how OCD affects a person, and I will be able to use this information when I work with people with anxiety disorders / OCD.
Thanks for the kind words,
Thanks for the kind words, Cheryl. I appreciate your interest in learning more about OCD! - jeff
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