Dear Dr. Alasko: My husband comes from a family that loves to drink and eat and drink. I consider most of them alcoholics and they're all overweight, including my husband. But they'd angrily deny that since they all keep jobs and "never get drunk." I've about given up on trying to get him to change, especially since everyone constantly reinforces his bad habits. Is there any new discovery about alcohol that I might be able to use to get him to stop drinking so much?
Dear Reader: Addictions of all kinds are one of the most studied subjects because the consequences are very serious. All this study, however, has not yet yielded any magic bullet to cure the addict. Nor, given the time and resources researchers have put into looking for solutions, does it look like any cure is around the corner.
A more helpful approach is to begin by understanding the nature of what you're facing, and then taking actions to minimize the consequences for yourself.
So let's take a look. There are two basic categories of addicts: the user who over-indulges but has enough control to keep his life together (such as your husband), and the person who has virtually no control left and cannot maintain himself.
Unfortunately, alcoholics (and, in fact, all types of addicts) in the first group point to those in the second category and say, "Since I'm not that bad, I obviously don't have a problem."
And that's an easy subterfuge to pull off, because the human personality is designed to adapt to almost any life style and environment, and use any scrap of evidence to build a case for continuing a behavior, regardless how destructive.
The primary ego defense mechanisms supporting such easy adaptations are denial and delusion.
Denial, of course, is the ability to evade facts regardless of how obvious they might be. Delusion is a function of our fantasy and imagination and makes possible art, literature and even music. But delusion also allows us to create alternate realities that distort facts into a more comfortable or convenient form --- and, in this case, allow addictions to continue.
The internal mechanisms of all this are relatively simple. The addict creates denial-based monologue loops that endlessly repeat "It's not so bad," "I can handle it," "It's not really a problem."
Delusion then contributes a substitute pseudo-reality: "I'm not always that way." "I can stop any time I want to."
When these excuses finally wear out, as they always do, blame swings into action: "You make me drink." "It's all your fault." Or the job's. Or whatever.
What to do? The most effective response to the difficulty involved in living with an addict is found in the tried-and-true principles of Al-Anon. The group's fundamental concept is that you cannot control an alcoholic's behavior; the more you try, the more you become enmeshed in the addict's system of denial, delusion and blame. The operating solution is to "detach with love."
In Al-Anon, you'll be encouraged to take the first of the famous Twelve Steps: admitting you are powerless over the alcoholic's behavior. That frees you to start taking care of your own life, to re-develop your own resources, to focus on what you need to be happy. And over time, even though you still may be in a relationship with an addict (whether the addiction is to drugs, food, work, sports or any other activity), your destiny will no longer be as controlled by their addiction.
This might sound contradictory, but it works. Check the phone book or online for Al-Anon meetings - and go to at least three.
