20somethings have a lot to celebrate. We celebrate graduations. We toast to new apartments. We host dinners to meet new "significant others." We plan weddings and announce births. Facebook reminds us to say "Happy Birthday" more often.
We celebrate these things because we value them. Our values tell us what to celebrate.
Some 20somethings can't get enough of these celebrations. Others could do without. Still others find such events painful; for them, the juxtaposition of the laughter in a room against persistent emotional blight is too much. Eventually they stop having birthdays.
They kill themselves.
Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death among 15-24 year-olds (12.4% of all deaths); the 2nd leading cause of death among 25 to 34 year-olds (12.2% of all deaths). But many more suicides are hidden in the leading cause of death category "unintentional injury." Unintentional injury is where they count the deaths of those who killed themselves in driving "accidents" or by "poisoning" themselves. Those deaths leave family members wondering why a 20something would overdose and drive, or overdose and go to sleep.
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Bill Zeller didn't want anyone to wonder why he killed himself. That's why he left a suicide letter.
Bill Zeller tried to kill himself on January 2nd, he died on January 5th. Why this ending to his life? His suicide letter tells us what it feels like to be a 27-year-old who has wanted to end his life for a long time. He died after tolerating decades of persistent emotional and physical pain. He tried to silence all of the pain and torture that comes along with having been through pain and torture; he was sexually abused as a child. That silence kept the abuse close to him. Over the years he experienced cascading feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness spilling over from childhood into adulthood.
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Suicidal thoughts have a tendency to persist and linger well into adulthood.
In 2006, colleagues and I published a paper in The American Journal of Psychiatry examining the question, are teens' thoughts about suicide a sign of normal adolescent angst or something more?
Answer: something more.
Adolescents who reported, at age 15, that they had thoughts of killing themselves, were more likely to have attempted suicide by age 30 and they were more likely to have persistent thoughts of suicide and problems in a number of domains of life.
At age 30, those who had thoughts of suicide at age 15:
• Were 15x more likely to have thought about suicide in the past 4 years (ages 26-30)
• Were 12x more likely to have made a suicide attempt between ages 15 and 30
Compared to other 30 year-olds in the sample, those who had suicidal thoughts as teens:
• perceived themselves as having more problems
• had parents who perceived them as having more problems
• were doing less well in their relationships and in their careers
• had poorer coping skills
• had lower self-esteem
• reported more interpersonal problems
• reported having less social support than they needed
The story is the same any way you read it and the plot is simple: too many adolescents are in serious emotional pain by the time they reach their teen years, then the pain seeps into adulthood. They look back and see pain; they look ahead and see pain.
This particular study did not examine who got help. But these study findings do suggest that pain attenuates over time for some. Risk for suicide attempts is elevated and suicidal ideation is much more common among those who reported earlier pain, yet, the relationship is not 1:1. That means not all of the 30 year-olds experienced persistent feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness that some with suicidal thoughts. For some teens, life got better and adulthood felt better.
We need to know more about discontinuities in pathways that are rooted in emotional pain, how can the 20s be a window of opportunity for getting on a different trajectory?
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We see young people as having so much to celebrate. Bill Zeller was a "brilliant programmer" and a grad student at Princeton. That's a lot to celebrate.
But social accomplishments that garner social praise and recognition aren't the same as markers of individual development and adjustment. Because individual development and adjustment are undermined by bad things that happen to good children, by the time these children get to adulthood, the wounds in their developmental pasts may be very well hidden.
Bill's life and letter tell us that these past wounds need recognition and attention.
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HELP
If you are a teen or a 20something and you need help, please know that you deserve it.
If you love a teen or a 20something who needs help, please know he or she deserves it.
Celebrate the value of each life:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
Hopeline: 1-800-784-2433
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This will connect you with a crisis center in your area.
A list of hotline numbers is available at Psych Central.
