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I was wondering how mothers of fatherless sons find surrogates, or if they do.
The first person I thought of for advice was author, teacher, speaker and Northwestern colleague Prof. Michele Weldon. Maybe most importantly for my purposes, Weldon is the mother of three sons whose father is not in their lives.
She writes and speaks frankly about this loss for her sons and about the men in their lives who have willingly picked up the role of father, mentor and guide to her sons. Her blog, WrestlingMom explores the challenges of raising three athletic sons alone.
As I thought about the challenge of finding father figures for my nephew, I remembered a line from an essay Weldon wrote "A Father is Born from Many Strangers," which was featured on NPR's program "This I Believe," and is featured in the book, "This I Believe: Fatherhood: Essays from NPR"
The line was this: "No one fills the shoes of a father. But the footprint that the man who fathered them left behind does not have to stay empty."
Is that right? Can we find alternative father figures? She stresses that you're not looking for new fathers, but for men who offer themselves as role models and guides for fatherless sons. Weldon says yes because she's done it.
You can hear Weldon read her essay in this podcast.
Sons are fatherless for different reasons. My brother would have done anything to stay in his son's life. His death was a disorienting, horrifying shock. Other sons have fathers who slip out of their lives incrementally or who are pushed out or who vanish one day for no apparent reason. Whatever took them, they're gone. And we're not.
Volunteer Father Club
In her essay, Weldon describes the teachers, coaches, uncles and family friends who populate her sons' lives, a self-appointed team she calls "the volunteer father club." Her eldest son's wrestling coach "offered my son his heart and earned his trust, a gift he is reluctant to share."
Her middle son was nurtured and guided by "a cast of uncles whom he respects, admires and emulates." A football coach took on the role for her youngest.
She writes: "It's not just the teachers, coaches and uncles who populate this volunteer father club, but also men like the friend who once quietly left a $50 bill in the pocket of the blue cashmere overcoat he gave my oldest to wear to a formal dance."
