Because I'm the Mom

How mothering pervades all relationships in life.

15 Hard Truths About Divorce

Even a good divorce takes you to bad places
Kaja Perina
This post is a response to 10 Hard Truths About Marriage by Kaja Perina

This is not your parents' divorce. Get your own.

Your children are having their own experience. Let them.

Did you start out friends? If your marital love was born out of a deep, abiding friendship, and your divorce rekindles that friendship, your children - and your own wellbeing - are blessed.

Root of all evil: Having money and stuff to split is bad. Not having money or stuff to split is bad.

You will each lose your minds. Hopefully not at the same time.

Find a Therapist

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Sometimes there is a better half. Each of you gets an equal chance at the title.

Prepare to be amazed: Some transgressions are unforgiveable. Not always the ones you might predict.

Built to last: You are capable of genuine, expansive forgiveness in the face of cataclysmic events.

Fight or Flight: When you are frightened, you will be pettier, meaner, and more vindictive than you've ever imagined.

From a safe distance: Some of qualities and circumstances that tore you asunder in marriage can bind you tightly and safely in divorce.

You @#$$%^%!!!! Some of the qualities and circumstances that tore you asunder in marriage will continue to drive you insane in divorce.

She did WHAT? What you thought you knew about yourself and your ex-spouse is only half the story.

Cognitive Dissonance: Your brain will be required to perform the nearly impossible psychological high-wire act of protecting you against what you perceive as your archest enemy out to steal your children and leave you destitute while - at precisely the same millisecond - holding tightly to the memory and belief that this same person once held your heart with love and is the other half of the key to your children's psychological health.

Harm to your children: No matter what the circumstances, your children will experience deep pain, loss and grief because of your choice.Everybody gets to live with that. 

Please get back together! Your kids will forever nurture the primal wish that their parents will get back together, well into their adulthood and beyond.

Read Judith Wallerstein's The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce  And David Royko's Voices of Children of Divorce: Their Own Words On *Feeling Caught in the Middle *Visitation and Keeping Commitments *Mom and Dad Dating and Sex *Remarriage and Stepfamilies *Their Own Future Marriages.

Pamela Cytrynbaum teaches at Northwestern University's Medill School of Journalism.

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