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Because I'm the Mom

How mothering pervades all relationships in life.

by Pamela Cytrynbaum

Pamela Cytrynbaum is on the faculty at Oregon State University's new media communications department. See full bio

May 15, 2009, Parenting

Witness Protection Mother’s Day Getaway Package

What DO Women Want?

Calling all you wrung out, stressed out, freaked out, overbooked, overwhelmed, overworked multitasked-out Mothers:

Whatever your Mother's Day was, however it went, I know your ugly secret. I know what you really wanted.

I propose the following revolution so next year, we get it.

Next year, let's come out. Let's just say it out loud:

When husband/life partner/family members chirp that yearly Hallmarked question:

"Hey, what do you really want to do for Mother's Day?" Always followed by: "Breakfast in bed? Flowers? Take the kids somewhere special? Big, belching, blurching brunch?"

As tempting as it is to swan dive one's head into an icy glass bowl of chilled, peeled shrimp, we all know our dirty little secret. We all know what, deep down, we want more than anything else in the world. Look, we adore our families and would do anything for them. In fact we do. Anything. For. Them.

So on this day, just this one day, Calgon...Take Me Away.

Everybody I love who depends on me to be utterly unshakeable, utterly available, relentlessly giving, self-LESS, on the ball, on the go, makin' the bacon-fryin' it up in the panning, "the world's best finder"....You wanna know what do I really want for Mother's Day?

To vanish.

To be disappeared.

To not be the Mom.

Just for a night or two.

To go where absolutely nobody knows my name.

To have somebody who loves me and has great credit pre-pay for me to go away for a night or two to a place with a King-size bed, mattress programmably firm but with pillow-top; sheets with the Oprah-thread-count; all the pillows I can eat; a Jacuzzi tub, fireplace; a view of some large body (not mine) of water; 24/7 room service delivered like prison meals - silent, through the slot, no communicado. No massages or mani's or pedi's because they require human interaction. I want no interaction.
No phones. No show tunes, ringing, buzzing. No emergency contact information, no texting, no im'ming, no instant nothing.

I WANT TO BE NOBODY'S EMERGENCY CONTACT.

Witness Protection Mother's Day Weekend Special: $XXX
Mental health benefits to Mothers and their families everywhere: Priceless