Last week I had an argument with a good friend of mine. He said if his girlfriend was getting fat and he felt less attracted to her, he'd let her know about it and encourage her to lose weight.
I was outraged. Tell a woman she's fat? Isn't it enough to be constantly bombarded with media images of skinny female perfection? Now we can't even expect our boyfriends to think we're unconditionally beautiful, belly and all?
When health psychologists try to change people's eating habits they talk about ‘stages of change.' They say you have to battle through six different phases before emerging, butterfly-like, new behaviors ingrained. Before you start even preparing to change something you have to progress through ‘precontemplation' (you don't care what you eat), and ‘contemplation' (you want to improve but you can't be bothered).
It's likely (but not inevitable) that if your girlfriend's getting fat she's already in the contemplation phase. So it's possible that your devastating comment could act as a critical impetus to end her gluttonous ways.
But we also know that trying to scare people into changing well-established, rewarding behaviors doesn't always work. You can tell British women binge drinking is bad news - but if they like the feeling they get from a few shots of vodka they aren't going to give up the screwdrivers.
In the case of eating, scary messages could even backfire. Feeling depressed and unattractive can trigger overeating in those with a tendency to binge. And social support is critical for a diet to work - if your girlfriend sees you as an enemy instead of an ally you won't be helping her at all.
I'm not saying it's never right to address the weight issue head on. But there are more subtle methods it might be worth trying first.
Instead of saying you find your partner less attractive you could both make an effort to eat more healthily when you're together.
People also respond well to ‘gain-framed' messages targeted at their personal needs, so you could risk saying something like, "Obviously I think you're totally hot as you are. But I feel like if you lost a few pounds you'd be more confident and happy, and I'd love to see you appreciate yourself more. Please don't hit me."
And what if she doesn't appreciate your opinion, no matter how well-intentioned or delicately put?
I wouldn't count on being allowed back into the marital bed for a good few weeks - at least not until you've eaten your words.
