Attending to the Undervalued Self

You make a convincing case, and then you conclude by contradicting yourself. Even you can't confront the brutality of ostracism and so turn to sentimental wishes of fantasy. That inability to confront a fatal demise keeps ostracised people so. Having done that myself, I think that it's a natural human response to identify with an in group at a basic fundamental level. Even contemplating being ostracized is traumatic.

Unfortunately, those of us who are ostracized have had the very tools to restore our worth and belonging stripped from us and have to rely on others for inclusion, advocacy and acceptance - all risky, radical activist behaviors. People who do those things are very, very rare.

Dangling papier mache "carrots" on sticks about wishes for inclusion and worth are in actuality quite cruel for we-who-experience-otherwise. The road to hell, etc...

I sometimes think of the little match girl analogy during my work day if things aren't going so well with sales. I'm like, "At least, I'm not out in the cold like the little match girl." On a more serious note, it's not easy feeling like an outsider and I do think your advice of doing things to give yourself another label can help. Of course, we realize that is not a cure all for all depressions. Being connected is really key.

Dear Elaine,

Your work has had a profound influence on me, helping me feel understood, and giving me a sense of belonging.

There is much for me to reflect on in this post.

I can certainly identify with the outsider and have felt caught in that role often in my life. It's incredibly painful, as you described here. When I feel like the outsider, I feel disconnected, alone, separate, small and ashamed.

One of the tools that has been very helpful to me has been insight meditation. I realize now, after reading your article, that one of the reasons why it helps me is that it dissolves some of this identification with the role of outsider. I don't feel so separate and alone, so caught in the role. I find a greater sense of self and feel greater peace.

Thank you for your article, and for normalizing my feelings.

In gratitude, Karly

Thanks for the excellent article. However, I have a problem with the concept of the Outsider, from a creative point of view. I am an HSP through and through and have overcome many things - chronic alcoholism and total despair to name a couple. I am 'also' a highly creative person and an outsider in terms of identifying with the deeper, melancholy impulses. I guess I'm following the populist conception of Colin Wilson in his classic '50s book 'The Outsider', and also William James in his 'Varieties of Religious Experience'. The latter characterises two sorts of people: healthy minded ("once born") and twice born, who are basically outsiders, who "feel too much and too deeply". I feel that the term "outsider" for me is a positive, creative and transformational key to understanding my make-up. It is not essentially pathological, though it could be in weak people, perhaps. I don't believe the introspective impulse in the artistic field is retrograde - I am energised by solitude, not by submersion in mass culture or false feelings of belonging. I don't belong and I genuinely celebrate that. My little match girl has her own light, and in the midst of the dark forest, whispers, "Thank God, I'm home."

I agree with Alex. Especially this time of year, many people feel like outsiders because they refuse to go along with the stress and financial burden of this psuedo-Christian tradition called Christmas. The answer is to aline oneself with others who see through this crass commercialization -- then you won't feel like an outsider but will be in good company:) Being an Outsider is really just another way of saying you are a sojourner looking for your right 'in' group.

I'm a retired therapist, an HSP and someone who has been both very connected to people and in the position, especially over the last 20 years, of being an Outsider.

During these twenty years, I've been reclaiming my life and identity (and all that involves). It has, by definition, been solitary work. Personally, I've seen it as my Heroine's Journey to reclaim my life. I've been conquering demons, traveling to new (internal) lands, and forging an extraordinary relationship with my higher power and other non-human elements of life and the world around me.

Along the way, I lost almost every relationship I formerly relied upon. I also gradually lost the commonly shared world view and priorities that used to connect me to others. This was tough.

But while my former social and emotional connections may have disintegrated, my new experiences of loss and darkness made me feel connected to humanity in a different, far more profound way. And by getting back in touch with my own experience of life, I'm able to be aware of and feel connected to all of the world around me in far deeper, more expansive ways.

Yet I still struggle with loneliness. Not because I need someone near me, someone to pass the gravy or keep me entertained with conversation. I don't need to go to a Christmas dinner or exchange gifts. I like being out of the Christmas loop. Everyone I know is crazy busy trying to keep up with social expectations for the season. And when I was a therapist, I rarely had a client who was desperately lonely at Christmas. Far and away, the biggest problems my clients shared were the obligations they felt to "celebrate" the holidays in socially prescribed ways whether that meant flying home, buying gifts or attending holiday parties they'd rather skip. It's all a bunch of madness and maybe a few fun times thrown in here and there. I don't miss it.

But when I DO feel "lonely" is when I read over and over again that there's something sad and pitiful and dysfunctional about being alone at a holiday. I feel lonely because I've spent the last two decades in a powerful experience of solitary exploration and achievement, but this culture doesn't even provide me with the terms and concepts to make sense of this or even minimally share it with others. I feel lonely when I see so little acknowledgement of reality - i.e. that a huge percentage, quite possibly the majority, of people attending holiday gatherings aren't going to find them very satisfying and would have been far better celebrating this wonderful season in solitude, reflection and freedom from obligation. I feel lonely when I realize that no one can even imagine my reality and instead, upon hearing I'm spending the holiday alone, clearly feel bad for and want to rescue me, then become perplexed and/or amused when I try to tactfully explain that I'd actually rather be alone.

As someone who was non-stop social for the first half of my life, I can testify that the connections I now have with myself and my higher power, made possible only through the unique conditions of solitude, are far more rewarding than anything I've ever done with other people around. Relationships haven't been the most important and certainly not the most rewarding part of my life.

Rather, they come way down the list, secondary to my connection with myself, my God, nature, my creative energy and the personal interests and goals that keep me curious, alive and engaged.

I've always suspected - and now believe - that loneliness is really about disconnection from oneself and the life within. And the cure isn't getting out of the house, but going deeper into and reclaiming one's own life, both historically and in non-judgmental awareness of all there is in the present moment.

If I knew someone feeling like an Outsider at Christmas, I'd recommend they clean the house, light some candles, grab a journal, put on some music - whatever - and then BE WITH THEMSELVES.

And realize that this experience of connecting with self is far more nurturing, valuable, courageous and potentially rewarding than anything one will ever do with another person.

Dear Dr. Aron,
Thank you for your article on "Depression During the Holidays." It is so easy to get swept up into the holiday frenzy and when you are fortunate to have a family with which to celebrate, I can understand how those who don't have anyone might feel very left out. As a military wife whose husband has missed one Christmas already and will miss another one next year, I empathize with the feelings of loneliness during a time when everyone seems so happy. I write a blog on http://www.healthherocoin.com/ and highlighted your article today. I hope you get the chance to read it.

So very profoundly moving to me that all I can really say is thank you.
thank you for writing this.

What a great collection of comments! I have been on the outside for 40 years having grown up exactly as Dr Aron describes and longed for so long to be either adored or at least recognised for having some worth. Now at nearly 42 I have enjoyed a wonderful journey of nearly two years discovering how it is okay to be with myself now that I know my deeper self through counselling, yoga and meditation. Yet I also now enjoy the beginnings of close family bonds as I learn the lessons of my life and what they have been trying to teach me - why I was born to the family I was born to and why I have met the people I have met in my adult life and why these relationships have brought so much disconnection. I am learning my part in a group in a way i have never done so, being an outsider. yet I understand too how and why and when i find that difficult and when i must retreat to give myself space. groups are still scary but no longer a nightmare and family times are steps forward in understanding and can be managed with breathing spaces built in. i would not wish to run from the bonds i am now making and the good role modelling and love it brings to my young son nor would I wish to give up on the me time i have had today for instance - a whole day to myself - the first in a long time in which i have not become depressed but simply loved myself and filled my time with nature, meditation, chores i wanted done, creative time and even some dancing to the radio in pure joy! There is indeed a wonderful time to be had in loving being alone but it is a far far cry from not loving being alone. And it is good to recognise which is which in those around you and to give them the love they need, be it a hand/hug/ear or indeed the space they need. Knowing is key. So, yes, let's all enjoy this festive season in our special ways for the love that it brings whether that be the rejuvenating love of self-love or the joy of gathering with others we love and who love us. All is love. And we all have love to give, but so much more do we give when we love ourselves. So love yourself as the year closes and the new one begins and know who around you does not love themselves so that you may help them through to the path onto their best year yet! best wishes everyone for 2012

Francine, I really hear you! The past two Christmases I have spent alone, or just with my grown daughter. This year, I have been living with relatives while I await an apartment, and also joining activities with my daughter and her fiance's family. It has been the noisiest, most social Christmas of my life. I feel like I'm barely surviving all the unwanted stimulation, and stay up late at night in my room in order to recharge myself in the silence. What's keeping me going is the knowledge that I will eventually be back in my own solitary surroundings, with peaceful stillness and my creature comforts. It's been a good experience in that it has made me see that I CAN be sociable (even if I feel like I am just play-acting). Having recently begun learning about the HSP trait, I have become much more comfortable with accepting my natural tendencies.

I'm enjoying these posts, as it seems that some of those who have felt like outsiders when it comes to the "mainstream culture's" approach to Christmas are finding others who feel similarly alienated. But you have found something authentic in yourselves, and that is truly something to be celebrated. I'm so glad this space is permitting that. It is especially heartening that many of you have found the pleasure in solitude and are sharing that experience,indeed encouraging and nourishing each other's solitude, something the poet Rilke said was an important part of love and friendship.

I also hear your compassion for those (hopefully very few) who cannot find peace in their solutude right now because they are too depressed and full of self-loathing. I know there are some, and hope they will also speak up and share their experience.

Sometimes depression makes it almost impossible to think a single positive thought, but sharing just that impossiblity can help. Those not in such a depression can listen/read with the understanding that they may not know much about this deeply painful experience,or have had it but have been blessed with forgetting its full force. What worked for them to keep them out of it, however, may not help another, or help right now. Indeed, receiving advice that one knows one cannot follow can increase the depression. One thinks something like this: "I'm not trying hard enough. Somehow I can't do as these people--I can only hate myself. I'm terrified of being alone with this self-hated and just as terrified of being with others and their seeing how I really feel."

To admit that helplessness and have someone else just say, "I hear you" or "How sad," or "I've also felt that at times." Well, it can help. So you are also welcome to speak up here if you are out there.

If a person is so depressed that s/he can't think a positive thought, she/he needs professional help. I may be wrong, but I don't think severely depressed people want 'compassion' as much as help. I struggled with deep depression for 15 years. Yes, I've 'been there', but I didn't want compassion or pity. I wanted a way out of the pit. Talk therapy, antidepressants. Nothing helped very much or for very long. Finally an endocrinologist and a holistic psychiatrist found that my B12 levels were too low ('normal low', but still too low) and that I also needed some thyroid medication. With three B12 injections and thyroid (and D3 and fish oil), I was 90% cured of severe depression and anxiety, within 6 weeks. I may be wrong, but I am now a firm believer that most severe depression is due to nutritional deficiences.

I totally agree that someone very depressed needs help, as I said very strongly at the beginning of my "Depression During the Holidays," but should have said again. I do know people who have come out of a depression by adjusting hormones or through nutritional support, and some who have not. Again, people should explore every avenue of treatment. Meanwhile, many find they become depressed or more depressed during the holidays. I wanted to write something about an archetypal aspect of it that might resonate with all of us some, and for some of us, totally. However,again, depression and also a dark archetype like this one are both pretty complex, emotionally hot topics...

Having posted (cleverly I thought!) about the match girl with her own supply of light, I immediately entered a profound "grief thawing" experience of which I have had many! How many times have my own pet utterances been almost instantly tested out. I have recovered from chronic alcoholism, faced numerous demons from my sad past, been through depressions, anxiety disorders, and one collosal 'breakdown' event where I cried for 23 days, then had 6 months of intense depression and anxiety and even some psychotic episodes in which I separated from myself and became 1) a bear. 2) some sort of fish. 3) a lizard. I went through this latter event unmedicated and without drinking. At other times I have been on antidepressants and also various supplement regimes through naturopaths. My point (which I now get to!) is that as an HSP, I react badly to any limiting interpretation of my experience. My mercurial feelings and strange experience of life could be (and has been) interpreted by 'professionals' as everything from clinical depression to vitamin deficiencies. I like the idea of using the word AND a lot. e.g. this is manifesting as depression AND there's old grief here too. My considerable experience has taught me that depression is ALWAYS about more than just the physical aspect. It is this AND emotional AND spiritual etc. One more thing - I think there's something missing from the materialist toolkit in terms of recognising the archetypal (Dr Aron's word) nature of some of these deeper experiences. There seems to be something very OLD about them which I see as being PRIMARILY spiritual.. and also emotional, physical etc. I feel it's the spiritual that influences the other aspects. Thank you everyone, I feel I belong here!