This type of dynamic can also affect relationships in more subtle ways. In Asperger Syndrome: Natural Steps Toward a Better Life, Suzanne C. Lawton, N.D., describes how issues with communicating emotion can worsen marital arguments:
"The AS spouse's poor communications skills are very obvious during marital arguments. They lose their train of thought and seem to revert to a purely emotional state. Sometimes that emotion is anger, but more often it is hurt. Unfortunately, the AS spouse is often so unaware of her feelings that she doesn't even realize when she is upset. One husband commented that he knew when his AS wife was upset or stressed with him before she did because she would start talking like Data of the 1990s Star Trek series. She would stop using contractions and formalized her speech. For some, it's almost as if the excessive emotion has cut of the analytical part of the brain. They stumble, are completely unable to explain their actions. And they become locked into a fixed thought pattern, which they demonstrate by resorting to repetition of the same few phrases. When the conflict stymies and the spouse withdraws, the AS spouse may follow the spouse around seeking a resolution. Needless to say, this behavior is annoying and can appear like harassment. To make matters worse, when they calm down and collect their thoughts, even if it's several hours later, they will reengage to better explain their views only to be accused of wanting to reignite a fight."
Another reason that people with Asperger's may be perceived as "not having emotion" is that they may have different triggers than a person who did not have Asperger's. Because people with Asperger's tend to be concrete and literal, they may struggle to identify with, and therefore be emotional about, situations which they do not have a direct connection to, such as global tragedies, or people on the news. But, they may be very upset and emotional if their schedule is changed, or their environment is tampered with in some way. My stepfather, whom I strongly suspect had Asperger's, seemed very untouched by large scale tragedies in the news, but would become extremely upset if his ashtray was moved from its customary location.
Of course, like most situations, there can be a plus side to the emotional difficulties, too. I've heard of some people with Asperger's who were very good in certain crisis situations, because of their emotional detachment. The delayed emotional response gave them the initial ability to respond to a crisis without feeling anything at all, then if they could learn to not engage the emotion and defer its processing to an appropriate time, they were then able to keep a cool head. I have myself used this tactic in certain problem situations at work. My ability to not immediately emotionally react to a boss or client that was being testy or unreasonable has often been a distinct advantage, and saved me from the pushback or retribution others received. However, in those situations, self-monitoring is critical to ensure that you're being assertive and looking out for your own interests (not being a doormat).
On the bad side, unchecked, these emotional processing and communications issues can wreak havoc on a person's ability to build and sustain adult relationships. For those of us who strongly desire human interaction, they can create very painful situation. As with many things, though, I think awareness is the key. If you, and those that care about you, are aware of why these issues happen, it makes a big difference. In fact, it does some of the communication for you, because it can change the paradigms of both you and the other person, so that your presuppositions (see The Power of Presupposition) are not running at cross purposes. You know how to interpret each other, and, crucially important, what's going on with yourself. I continue to learn every day - and I hope never to stop.
