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Navigating in the "normal" world, for a person with Asperger's, can be difficult, if not downright painful. The most difficult area for me to handle, personally, is rejection. While some people with autism or Asperger's report a reduced desire for human attachment, the reality for many of us is to want it very much, but struggle to achieve it. Read More
I very much enjoy your
I very much enjoy your honest reflections,and enjoy learning about what people with Asperger's experience.Thanks for your thoughts which are very well written.Sincerely David Petropoulos
Isolation
It's sad that this is a very common place that people with Asperger's find themselves, this lonely world we live in apart from the rest of the world.
It's reached the point in my life that despite having a personality that hungers for the company of others to share my life with I'm ready to accept a life of near complete isolation. I wish it wasn't that way, but despite all the progress I've made in understanding those around me and adapting my behaviors to be more acceptable when dealing with them I find that it's just an empty shell I put on so as not to upset those around me. The real me has become lost behind this mask I wear. I'm too broken and beaten to take the mask off.
All the fear of rejection and humiliation holds the mask firmly in place and I don't know how to be me anymore. I want to be able to open up to others and express my true self, but sometimes I'm not sure who that is anymore, I've spent so much time dealing with anxiety and depression, learning to cope with people so that I don't make myself a target for their abuse. I'm getting lost in a web of thoughts and can't even finish this post correctly. I'm not sure where i'm trying to go with this.
I just know that I'm so tired of being alone, and yet I can't see it being any other way. I want to be able to talk with people openly and honestly and be able to express my thoughts, ideas and creativity. I want to be able to communicate with people who can engage me in intelligent discussion and challenge me on a level that makes me feel alive. I hate having to dumb myself down just to talk to people around me and limit discussions to the mundane and ordinary.
I'm tired of feeling hopelessly lost. Helpless. Frustrated.
I understand how you feel
I understand how you feel being a fellow Aspie. The mask that you speak of helps us deal, but makes me feel inauthentic and untrue to myself. I've decided to work on taking the mask and all armor off and trying to be just me. If we cannot be accepted for who we aren't and for who we are pretending to be maybe it is best for our own sense of balance and happiness to revel in our "different-ness" without caring as much as we have as to how others will not accept us, like us, understand us, etc...We gotta love ourselves, after all, and this may be the best way to love ourselves by being true to ourselves and being okay with being who we are. You never know, this might help us to find a friend or two who will accept and like us just the way we are.
The other side
I am a mother of an Asperger child. I am very positive that my current partner of 3 years also suffers with this disorder. I have a feeling that he is very insecure about himself and what he has to offer but is also quick to temper when he is engaged in a conversation and he is asked questions or is shown another point of view. When I don't respond or act the way he wants, he is short with me, saying things like, "what's your problem", or, "snap out of it." It makes me feel low and put in my place. When I try to express that I don't like the way he is talking to me or bring up an issue in a direct way, he expresses in one way or another that what I just said wasn't the real issue and I have ulterior motives. This leaves me feeling unheard, invalidated and just plain sad and hopeless. I want to be there for him and show him that I know who he is and I like him for him, but when I do, he is offended, guarded, and acts like he doesn't know what I am talking about. I am close to throwing in the towel. I want to see a counselor but he is very private and he is extremely resistant. I can't do this on my own because he doesn't trust that I am saying or doing what I am in sincerity. I know he loves me and he seems lost when we are apart, and so am I, but I can't be talked to disrespectfully and not have my needs met in this relationship. HELP!
Hello Cori...
Hello Cori, I saw you on here and was curious if you are the same Cori that I used to be friends with. If this is the same Cori, you lived in Trotwood, Ohio when I knew and hung out with you. If this is you and you'd like to get back with me, I'd love hearing from you.
Brian
Better late than never?
No. This is another Cori entirely. I'd almost forgotten that I'd posted on here, but I rather spontaneously decided to do a search for my name and this page showed up.
Recently I've decided to do something different and I'm putting myself out there on the internet, becoming a member of the most recognized social sites such as YouTube, twitter, Facebook and such. So far I'm feeling just as lonely on the net as I do in person. I've found a few old acquaintances through these sites and have tried to reconnect with a few. So far no one has replied. There were others I found, looking for them out of curiosity, but I don't intend to reconnect with because they were some of the people who made my childhood a living hell.
Anyway, I'm hoping that this little experiment might help me to come out of my shell, even if just a little.
Need to find a mental health professional for my son
I suspect my son might have Asperger's. I want to find a mental health professional for a consultation. How do I find someone who is knowledgeable about this? Is there a specific type of psychologist or psychiatrist to look for?
Directory of Autsim/Asperger's Professionals
The type of professional you seek may vary based on what you want to accomplish. If your son is having anxiety problems, then you may wish to seek a psychologist or psychiatrist that is familiar with Asperger's. There are specialists that focus on sensory integration, learning disabilities, speech,etc.
If you are looking for a more general consultation, you might want to start with a neurologist - since Asperger's really is a neurological disorder, that manifests psychological side effects.
Autism Today provides a good directory of professionals familiar with autism/Asperger's.
http://www.autismtoday.com/searchtool/search_professional.asp
How well I understand
How well I understand this... I just wish I had known about AS before I ruined my (financial) life trying to artificially compensate for somthing that cannot be compensated for financially.
If you can't relate emotionally to people, you can't buy your way into their world (professional class jobs, social groups, "friends", etc.) either.
Doesn't help that therapists capable/willing to work with adult AS are few and far between if you are far from an Urban Center (where you can't get hired anyway...)
locked into reverberating misunderstanding
i read this article and comments with a wry sad smile... how true... i read that pple with AS also possess extra-sensorial sensitivity... i hv worked with autistic children (as a music & art therapist) and i myself hv been told i m either mildly autistic or mildly aspergic... whichever the case, i taste, smell, hear, feel (physically & emotionally) extremely acutely... and i m told i m overreactive... i sense but cannot understand... and i m scolded for my cluelessness... sometimes when i m really happy that i hv finally processed something after a long struggle, i tell the ones i love, and their reaction is one of anger, annoyance and incomprehension...
hyperacusis, nausea, vertigo etc, also part of an autimmune disorder i have - which came first? i don't know, i suspect they run hand in hand, a devious little conspiracy...
but guess what, it isn't true that all AS people do not want to relate with others... i suspect some who appear to shut themselves out somehow sense the sheer impossibility of ever achieving comfortable relating and hence just totally shut out without bothering to attempt... then there are those of us, like me, who yearn to express deep love, rich colourful textured emotions, and vibrating resonating sensuality and passion... but somehow, so much misunderstanding, miscommunication, it hurts so terribly... and how do we deal with the onslaught of emotional & sexual rejection?... it is tough enough for those without AS, think abt how terrible it is for us...
and yes it is frustrating too for those who attempt to love us - we are attractive & challenging, pple are drawn to us at first, but then a familiar pattern occurs, they either disappear in fear, or a painful (for both parties) cycle of struggling to communicate begins... and sometimes, they give up, even family and old friends... the look in their eyes tell me more than my mind can understand... i constantly live in a state of "when?"... i cannot blame them, but oh, the pain... the pain...
are we to be locked into reverberating misunderstanding all our lives?
we are special pple, many of us have great talents and insights... and we have love to give, perhaps even more than others really... i will not give up - but it has been a long long road uphill... and continues to be...
Outside
It seems as Aspies that we are always doomed to be outside looking in at the banquet, starved for affection but rarely getting our fill. It seems as if all too often our lives are filled with "if only the understood me" when trying to communicate. It is frustrating to try and build a relationship only to watch it crumble and not know why.
aspergers aloneness
When I read of others with this, I feel a little better, because all my life I have been called "obnoxious" and "Horrid", although I long for closeness with others. Do others with aspergers continually condemnn themselves? When I was a child, I hid most of the time, everyone was disgusted with me and the rejection was more than I could bear, I didn't feel safe, unless I was alone in the woods or some place like that. My happiest time was between 4 a.m. and 6 a.m., I delivered newspapers all alone and there was no one around and it was a safe routine. I know the feeling of the mask, I do that too, try to appear what people want me to be but it doesn't work and ends up disintegrating and then they turn me out of their lives. I don't feel as if I am really anyone at all.
Who am I, and what do I want?
Why does this horrible emptiness haunt?
Why does the world run away from me?
Where is a place where I'll live safely?
There is one person who understands
I call to Him always, then peace expands
It is my Creator, who sees wounds unseen
Who cares for me and is never mean
He tells me to sing, and then my sick brain
Stops wandering and wondering, becomes sane
I've tried to be loving to those of my race
But they all run, guess I don't know grace
But HOPE I will 'til the day I die
In the only One interested in my sigh!
I'm not sure if anyone here
I'm not sure if anyone here can relate to this, but after intense research and googling the crap out of my personality I came here. A little background- I'm a 22 year old liberal arts student who is currently living in a town close to my family until I can manage enough money to move back to my college and finish my degree. My job is an assistant nurse- an irony to my entire personality altogether and an exhausting job, has become a source of unbelievable stress and feelings of failure. Which lead me here. I've led a life of failure after failure, often believing if I just worked hard enough, put on a tough skin, and ignore enough of myself, success would come knocking at my door. I've realized I also wear a mask, I can't connect with people even though I want to badly, and my childhood and teenage years could be described as a tumultuous and painful experience I wouldn't wish on anyone. Much of the characteristics and behaviors of Aspergers I've researched I feel strongly represent my own. What I would like to know is if there are support programs in Idaho and where. I don't know that this disorder is what I have, but these characteristics are starting to show in my little sister, age 12, much like they did when I was her age. I want more than anything for her to bypass the pain I went through, and would be very grateful for any advice or professional help to go to that is available for her. Thanks so much!
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