Last week's blog certainly hit a nerve for many of you, resulting in a number of comments supporting and challenging my statement regarding the use of positive reinforcement as opposed to any form of punishment to manage children's behaviors. So let's continue the discussion for one more week and look at what we know about child development, behavior, and discipline.
Often when parents talk about managing a child, they equate this with maintaining control of the child. In this way, they are able to suppress or contain undesirable behavior so daily life can continue in an orderly manner. However, so much time is spent developing ways to externally control children's behavior that parents may fail to promote the children's taking control of their own behaviors. Children's self-control is achieved over the long term by empowering them through respect, listening, collaboration and problem-solving approaches.
No doubt, in many instances, it is necessary to immediately suppress a behavior, such as when a toddler is getting ready to stick his finger into a light socket. A firm "No," (positive punishment) will prevent the child from following through on his goal of exploring the light socket. Mission accomplished. However, over the long term, this achieves nothing except to teach the toddler to stick his finger in the light socket when no one is looking. In order to resolve this issue over the long term, parents have to be proactive, redirecting their toddler when they see him heading for the light socket and giving him positive attention for playing a much more interesting game with mommy or daddy. Let's take a portion of a true case example from my book, The Mystery of Risk.
Cheryl Tripp was clearly frustrated as she complained about Warren's behaviors. "He gets into trouble every day, especially when he's outside with his brothers. He seems to be going in five different directions at one time; then he starts running and in a few minutes he's running wild and screaming. Then he pushes his brothers if they're in his way. I have no choice but to punish him by sending him to his room. When I do that, though, he sulks for the rest of the day and won't come to dinner with the family. I tried taking away television privileges, but no matter how many times I do, he does the same thing again the next time he has the chance."
Mrs. Tripp's use of threats and confinement (positive and negative punishment, respectively) to suppress Warren's behavior hasn't worked. She has attempted to control Warren by sending him to his room. But, although it may be necessary to remove him from a situation temporarily, he does not seem to be learning anything from it; the behavioral difficulties are repeated on an almost daily basis. This is the problem with strategies aimed at controlling rather than managing behavior - the child learns no self-control, no idea of how to act appropriately.
What to do? Think prevention. Discuss expectations for playing outside prior to letting Warren go with his brothers. Set a clear plan for what he would like to do outside and with whom he would like to play, so there is structure for his activity. Talk through what Warren's behavior should look like and what you will do if you notice his behavior is not in keeping with his stated plan. As soon as problems arise, Warren should be removed from the situation and provided an alternative location where he can calm down until he gets himself under control. Make sure to give Warren generous praise as he becomes increasingly successful in managing himself.
Mrs. Tripp will find that with time Warren may be able to take himself out of situations when he is beginning to feel out of control, giving himself a "break" in order to regain self-control. It is important to note that this strategy is in direct contrast to a "time out," whereby a child is suddenly removed from a situation in the heat of a moment. Laying out the plan ahead of time and allowing the child to remove himself, or to be a partner in the process of removing himself, from the situation when he begins to feel out of control - what we call a "cool down" - is a proactive approach to teaching a child self-management. Most importantly, each time the child manages to respond appropriately, be sure to provide positive recognition.
Of the many comments I received in response to the last blog, one woman from the UK noted that as a child, "We learned by fear, by negative reinforcement...(a) book around the back of the head." I would propose that she learned in spite of, rather than because of, the physical and hurtful ministrations of her teacher. Another individual commented "I don't think I could prevent my kids from doing drugs by praising them when they're not doing them." He's right. We can't compliment our children for staying off drugs, but we can praise them for their positive actions and behaviors in a wide array of situations. In this way, we raise children with a core set of values and feelings of self-worth that empower them to find other recreational outlets. Obviously, the "just say no" mantra does not work in the college dorm when a roommate strikes up some marijuana. Nor do threats or fear of punishment. But a sense of self, rooted in an ability to manage one's own behaviors and make good decisions, will help the young person turn down the immediate gratification of a high for the long term feeling of self-efficacy.
