Are We Born Racist?

Inside the science of prejudice, stigma, and intergroup relations.

The Precarious Couple Effect

Research shows that certain types of couples don’t work very well together. Precarious couples are the specific combination of a quiet, verbally inhibited man with a verbally disinhibited but highly critical woman. Part II of the series “When Not to Trust an Intuition of Compatibility” Read More

Im a women and its even hard

Im a women and its even hard for me to be around these types of women for long. They are helpful if something really needs to be said or done, but other then that they are stressful to be around. But I really do feel the same about blunt critical men as well.

A good red flag that many of

A good red flag that many of these women hold as an honor is being a self professed B**ch or Drama queen. If they admit this to you upfront, take them for their word and run.

I think what you're seeing

I think what you're seeing and describing is the surface, Rudolfo, and you are not looking beneath ....

These "emotionally uninhibited" women, might also be described as "emotionally dysregulated" women. As such, very often they are operating from a position of uncontrolled fear. Hyperaroused, hypersenstive, hypervigilant women who's unconscious fears will play out the detective, the evidence gatherer, in order to make their case for their fears and either drive away or evade the emotional threat. These women aren't comfortable being in a position of emotional vulnerability. They think they are strong but it is only their fear that is strong. A shell of strength built around a weak and vulnerable inner self and weak self image. It is their pseudo strength that seeks a means of destruction of a relationship in order to protect them from the intolerable threat of their emotional vulnerability.

This post described the

This post described the verbal communication styles of myself and my soon to be ex-wife exactly: she is very verbally dis-inhibited, and I am, by the definition given in the article, verbally inhibited (I prefer to characterize it as thoughtful and contemplative).

When her current employer called her prior employer to ask what to expect if they should hire her, they were informed she would honestly say exactly what was on her mind, at all times - and she does, for better or worse.

It was interesting to see how people would listen to what she said, even if it was something that would be considered offensive coming from somebody else, because they had a certain respect for the fact that she always stated her honest opinion, as critical as it could be. My perception is that the consistency of the criticism gave it a certain level of integrity, in that it wasn't an act or a pretense.

Similarly, a strong part of my attraction to her was the perception that her being outgoing, critical, and opinionated was a sign of strength and confidence. However, the novelty wears off fast when you're living with somebody who, while critical and opinionated about everyone else's faults, is unable to accept criticism, or anything remotely close to it, as anything other than a personal attack. In short, outgoing/confident is fine so far as I can tell, but when combined with the critical component, watch out for underlying issues.

I have to wonder if whichever

I have to wonder if whichever spouse is less inhibited becomes uninhibited by conditioning.

I guess what I'm wondering is did the study look at passive-aggressive behavior in the 'inhibited' spouse? Nothing uninhibits me faster than a passisive-aggressive move by my spouse. If you don't want me to "nag" you about whatever it is that you are not doing despite agreeing to, just tell me you don't plan to do it. Even better, don't agree in the first place.

"passive aggressive" is a

"passive aggressive" is a myth made up by aggressive people that don't always get things their own way ;-)

A quote

"In the educational (relationship) arena, you see, negative feedback is part of the process through which one learns. As a student(spouse), you make mistakes, and those mistakes are critical to improving one's knowledge and competence. The trap here is that discounting negative feedback as so many instances of racism (nagging, criticism) can protect self-esteem—yet doing so can also lead students(spouses) to miss out on learning opportunities when the feedback is legitimate."

Parenthetical additions are mine, quote is from previous blog?

Perhaps this trap applies to anyone who discounts all negitave feedback to protect their ego.

It seems people are quick to

It seems people are quick to judge and are somewhat quite mean to these types of women. So, what is the advice for these types of women who have just had a wide eye opener by recently reading a few articles on the "precarious couple" and realize it is 100% her to the capital letter? Can she change? How? My marriage is on the rocks and I am religious and 100% don't believe in divorce unless for adultery. I don't want to be this miserable forever...

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Rodolfo Mendoza-Denton, Ph.D., is a social/personality psychologist at the University of California, Berkeley.


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