People are naturally emotionally attractive. It's anxiety and dread of failure or rejection that make us emotionally unattractive, by making us focus too much on the impressions we make, particularly:
- What we look like
- What our bosses or coworkers think of us.
The effect of this is external regulation of self-value, with the sense of self dependent entirely on the impressions of other people. The problem with that is other people see only the most superficial things about us, with no complexity or depth and little context. Victims of external regulation of self-value tend to feel so uncomfortable with their true identity that their efforts to impress others seem superficial and inauthentic.
Self-value has to be regulated by your behavior, beliefs, and attitudes, which must be consistent with your deepest values. Your negative emotions tell you when they are not.
Follow the natural motivation of anxiety and dread of failure.
When it comes to competence, the natural motivation of anxiety--what it's trying to get you to do--is to become competent, not to make people think you're competent. The anxiety is telling you to learn more, sharpen skills, or develop plans of action. Only those behaviors will relieve it; manipulating other people into thinking you're competent will raise anxiety, even if successful in the short run, because you'll feel like a fraud.
Emotional contagion
Emotions are highly contagious. (See this post.) If you are anxious and uncomfortable, you will tend to make other people anxious, uncomfortable, and annoyed. If you are false in any way, it will make you feel guilty and your discomfort will make other people uncomfortable. Now the good news: If you feel focused and confident, you can make most other people feel that way, too.
Making yourself emotionally attractive
Think in terms of value--what is most important to you. It might be important for your boss and coworkers to like you, but it is more important to like them, because that is consistent with your deeper values. (What would you rather have on your tombstone: "She/he wanted people to like her/him," or "She/he liked people?") Find something about your boss and coworkers to value and appreciate. Hold onto it, don't worry about expressing it. This changes your emotional demeanor in subtle ways that will be contagious.
Try this experiment. Before you start to talk to someone at work, imagine that she is a valuable person who would help a child in distress. He loves his family; she can appreciate nature or art or music, etc. Hold onto that value when you begin talking to the person, but don't directly express it. Unless that person is stressed about something that has nothing to do with you, you should find that she/he will be positive toward you. But don't try to manipulate the impression you make, just feel whatever value you can perceive in that person while you are talking.
CompassionPower
