We must assume that Charlie Sheen is innocent of the domestic violence-related charges leveled against him on Christmas Day, at least until the criminal justice system runs its course. Yet his arrest once again raises the question of why so many celebrity entertainers and athletes fall into a trap of domestic abuse in one form or another.
As a result of a couple of books and many TV appearances on issues of abuse and anger, I have had the opportunity to treat several celebrities and athletes arrested for domestic violence, several others who would have been arrested, had their partners called the police, and many more who were guilty of emotional and verbal abuse. (The latter two groups include a few well-known politicians.) Remarkably, I have found them to be no different from the poor, beaten-down court-ordered clients whom I also treat.
Though varied in experience, wealth, and social standing, abusers are remarkably the same in the motivation to hurt loved ones. Famous or not, the following qualities of abusers are usually apparent only in their intimate relationships. Most of us can show the world a certain face. But our closest relationships expose our deepest sense of inadequacy and vulnerability. That's why we always hurt the ones we love.
Abusers tend to have:
Fragile egos - They are easily insulted.
Poor self-regulation -They can't cheer themselves up or calm themselves down, which makes them dependent on their partners (or substances or compulsive behavior) to regulate internal states.
Entitlement - They're entitled to feel good; if they don't, someone has to pay.
Impaired binocular vision - the ability to see other perspectives alongside one's own. (This isn't the same as narcissism. Most abusers can understand their partners' perspectives. They can even switch between their own and their partners', which gives them a Jekyll and Hyde quality. But they cannot see both sides at once.) They feel wronged without seeing their own wrongdoing, which, in their minds, justifies retaliation.
Low compassion - This, too, is tricky, because they can empathize, i.e., sympathize with vulnerabilities they can identify with or have experienced themselves. But they fail at compassion for vulnerabilities they do not share. This point is evident in examining transcripts of verbal aggression, which, though damaging in itself, is often a precursor to violence. Those abusers who are driven to avoid shame (mostly men) cannot get their partners' fear of harm, isolation, and deprivation, and so trivialize the effects of their behavior on their partners: "I wouldn't be afraid if that happened to me, so she shouldn't be, either."
Abusers driven to avoid fear of harm (mostly women) often feel they are trying to motivate their partners to improve by invoking shame, particularly as a provider, protector, lover, or parent: "I had more orgasms with my last boyfriend. Remember, you didn't win that award or you lost that money. You can be a lousy parent sometimes. Why can't I feel secure with you?"
The most salient feature that celebrity abusers have in common with their more anonymous counterparts is their propensity to shoot themselves in the foot by subverting the motivational function of their own emotions. They blame their vulnerable feelings - physical discomfort, guilt, shame, or anxiety - on their partners, which condemns them to make the same mistakes over and over.
What all abusers, famous or not, don't get is that vulnerable feelings motivate us - not our partners - to do something that will heal or improve. (The pain in your bladder is telling you - not your partner - to go to the bathroom. And the pain in your heart is telling you - not your partner - to be more compassionate.) Of course, no one can heal or improve by devaluing or harming people they love.
Those who feel compelled to blame their negative feelings on someone else are likely to violate their deeper values, even if they stop short of abuse. Charlie Sheen may be innocent of the legal charges leveled against him, but he is almost certainly guilty of abusing his deepest values. I'm sure he would agree that he was not the person or partner he most wanted to be in the early hours of Christmas morning.
Treatment for abusers requires focus on their deepest values, which almost always include being compassionate to the people they love. When they learn the skill to do that under stress, something wonderful happens to them. They no longer need inflated and fragile egos to protect them from feelings of inadequacy. Thus liberated, they no longer need anger and aggression to protect inflated and fragile egos. Then, at long last, they can feel authentic, lovable, and loving.
CompassionPower
