One of the clichés of pop psychology is that anger is the most complex emotion. Actually, anger isn't that complicated. Although we've developed convoluted ways of thinking about it, it's really a simple response to a perception of vulnerability, threat, and entitlement. Compassion, on the other hand, can get really complicated, which is why it is so misunderstood.
As I described in the first part of this post, most anger in relationships is caused by failure of compassion, which stirs guilt and shame that the parties blame on each other, leading eventually to contempt and divorce.
Couples know intuitively that their relationships cannot survive without compassion. Yet they become so invested in justifying their resentment and contempt that they begin to view compassion as the cause of their hurt. They begin to fear the better angel of their nature.
Much of the common fear of compassion comes from confusing it with:
• Pity
• Agreement
• Submission or excusing bad behavior
• Trust
Compassion vs. Pity
Compassion implies equality: "I sympathize with your hurt; despite our differences in luck or circumstance, we're (humanely) equal." Pity implies inequality: "I feel sorry for you because you're incompetent, naive, insensitive, crazy, abusive, or defective in some way."
Compassion is caring about the well being of another. Pity is feeling bad at the sight of another's suffering. Pity leads to contempt as we begin to blame the dysphoric feeling on the person stimulating it. Bertolt Brecht mused that the first time we see a beggar on the street we'll feel pity for him. The second time, we'll call a policeman to have him removed.
People who believe themselves to be morally or intellectually superior to their partners are surprised when they get negative reactions to what they think is compassionate behavior. Their presumption of inequality - "I'm okay; you're incompetent, crazy, abusive, or personality disordered" - will make any sympathetic behavior come off as pity, which is really just the opposite side of the coin from contempt. (That's why we hate to feel pitied but long for compassion.) You cannot be compassionate if you believe you're superior in any way.
Compassion vs. Agreement
Compassion requires validation of - and sympathy with - the pain or discomfort of another, regardless of disagreement about the beliefs or ideas that go with the pain. You can disagree with your partner's ideas and behavior and still sympathize with the pain that may result from the ideas or behavior. In other words, you can disagree 24-7 and still have compassion for your partner.
Compassion does not necessarily include generosity. It requires that you understand and regard the feelings of loved ones as equal to your own and as vital factors but not the only factors in decisions.
Compassion vs. Submission or Excusing Bad or Irresponsible Behavior
Feeling taken advantage of is loathsome for most people, but that can't happen if you're truly compassionate. Compassion motivates you to do what you believe in your heart is right for you and your loved ones. If you act according to your deepest values, you cannot be exploited, even if your partner violates his or hers with bad behavior.
Just as you cannot be manipulated if you are compassionate, neither can you manipulate others. Being kind to someone so they will do something for you in return is an investment, not compassion. Like all investments, it's risky.
Compassion doesn't condone or excuse bad behavior, because it's not about behavior. The word means, "to suffer with." Compassion focuses on the pain and human frailty that make people behave badly, while recognizing that the continuation of bad or irresponsible behavior will hurt them more. The worst thing you can do for an abusive person is excuse the abuse, which leads to self-loathing caused by the continual violation of his or her deepest values. Neither is it compassionate to allow children to behave irresponsibly, lest they painfully learn how cruel the world can be to the irresponsible.
Compassion vs. Trust
We never get hurt by too much compassion, but we're hurt all the time by unwise trust. Compassion makes you less likely to trust unwisely. With compassion you see the depth of your partner's vulnerability and more intelligently assess his/her defenses against it. You can discern whether your partner can use vulnerability as motivation to become better in love relationships (i.e., more compassionate) or whether he/she is likely to blame you for personal failings.
Compassion must be unconditional in marriage, but trust has to be earned, especially once betrayed. Compassion gives a couple room to earn trust, by disabling the automatic defense system that runs resentful relationships. When you stop blaming your partner for how you feel, it becomes easier for your partner to do the same and harder for you to take it personally if he or she cannot reciprocate.
As you experience the healing of genuine compassion, you understand that your partner cannot heal without compassion for you, which means he/she must see, hear, and value you. If your partner will not or cannot do that, your relationship will likely cause grave harm to both of you, as well as your children. In that case compassion will tell you to end it, perhaps with sadness and disappointment, but with awareness that you are doing what is ultimately in the best interests of all involved.
To have a chance of saving their resentful, angry, and contemptuous relationships, couples must be willing to distrust their automatic defense systems and renounce the urge to justify their contempt for each other. The trick is to appreciate the disastrous effects of resentment and contempt on the sense of self and recognize the pain that fuels the contempt. Such recognition will stimulate a naturally healing self-compassion.
Self-compassion, incompatible with contempt, relieves the fear of compassion for loved ones. From self-compassion, compassion for others is a relatively easy step; any trouble at all feeling compassion for others indicates the need for more self-compassion. Focus on self-compassion is the first step toward healing and growth, within or without the relationship.
