Three points about healing have become clear to me after thousands of hours of working with people who have suffered both common and unimaginable emotional pain. The first is that human beings have an extraordinary capacity for healing all kinds of emotional wounds.

The second truth I've learned by working with those who have suffered is that the most important element in overcoming emotional pain is a healing identity.

People with healing identities focus on their resilience, strengths, and desire to improve their lives. They do not give in to thoughts of damage, unfairness, bad moods, blame, or victim identity. They certainly have such thoughts and are occasionally engulfed by the power of them, but for the most part they resist the impulse to indulge them. Instead, they keep focused on their desire to heal and improve.

The third point about healing is that it seems to require at least an implicit understanding of the nature and purpose of painful memories and how they play a crucial role in emotional wellbeing. That purpose has nothing to do with the past. Rather, memories of pain serve to keep us safe in the present. Those with healing identities keep focused on making their lives better in the present and future.