Hi Again -

I completely agree with you in your assessment of what it takes for a person to be happy. I share with clients that happy isn't "out there", it's "in here" (pointing to oneself). The truth about manipulation is startling. I agree that most clients initially approach counseling in just that manner. Especially with regard to co-dependency in relationships, there is a great deal of manipulation, control, victim play and persecution.

The idea that you get what you give is so true, but so foreign to many clients. I express it as I see what I believe, not I believe what I see.

I notice that you believe that no one has holes within. I don't fully understand what you are trying to say here. Would you mind explaining further?

I believe you are saying that you subscribe to self empowerment? Is that correct?

Thanks -
Lisa

Thank you so much for this post Steven, this is the best thing I have read in a long time and so, so true. The ideas that a) yes it takes work to be happy and that this isn't necessarily "unfair", just a fact of life and dependent on the choices you make, and b)the best predictor of being happy while married is being happy before you were married, are simple in theory but not truly comprehended by so, so many people.

It's like you said - we run around believing we have 'holes' within us and desperately seeking someone else to fill them, when in fact all we need to do is realise that they aren't even there to begin with. I believe what Steven is getting at with the 'holes' thing, Lisa, is that we believe there are defects within us, holes that need filling, whereas actually we are all whole and complete as we are. We don't need fixing or something external to fill us. Everything we need we already have within us.

We think we want someone else to love and validate us, whereas actually, if we can't accept love and validation from ourselves, what makes us think we are going to be able to accept it from anyone else? And then we just end up getting frustrated with the other person because we *still* don't feel loved an validated, as if that is the other person's fault!! When, actually, it is just that we cannot accept from someone else what we have no ability already to believe about ourselves.

In fact, I loved this post so much I wrote a whole discussion about it: http://emilysquest.wordpress.com/2009/06/15/happinessandtheholeswithin/

But basically, I think the moral is: you can't expect anyone else – family, friends, lovers – to fill the holes you perceive in yourself, or to make you feel things about yourself that you can’t feel in their absence. You only, and you alone, can come to the understanding that there are no holes there to begin with. Until you understand that, you will forever be searching for the way - or the person - to fill them.

Great article. Thank you.
I know for myself and what I've observed in others is that many people know they have holes; it's just we don't know what it would take to fill them.
If we could just name what it is that we need to make us complete, for many that would be 3/4's of the task.
And only we can really answer that question.

Thank you Emily. Your further explanation was excellent. I understand your point and agree, we are each responsible for our own internal wholeness. I often tell clients in relationship counseling that they need to bring themselves to the relationship as a gift, not as a weight around their partner neck. I believe that is what you are saying here. We must be whole independent beings to participate in an inter-dependent relationship. My next click will be to read your post.

Thanks again for your insights. They were appreciated.