Anger in the Age of Entitlement

Cleaning up emotional pollution.

Steven Stosny, Ph.D., treats people for anger and relationship problems. Recent books: How to Improve your Marriage without Talking about It, and Love Without Hurt. See full bio

March 14, 2009, Addiction

Emotional Abuse and Violence Cross a Line that Should Never Seem Murky

Abuse crosses a line that should never seem murky.

Like most adults I was appalled by the Boston survey that showed 46% of the teen respondents believing that Rihanna was responsible for her beating at the hands of Chris Brown. Another 44% said that fighting was a normal part of relationships.

I don't know how the questions were worded, but I suspect that the survey indicates something I have found in my work with thousands of victims and perpetrators of domestic abuse. The surveyed kids, like so many of my clients, conflate relationship conflict - including intense disagreements - with abuse.

Because relationships are dynamic, interactive systems, it is not possible to have unilateral conflicts and disagreements; both parties must contribute something, however inadvertent, to the escalation of conflict. Both are likely to perceive their negativity as mere reactions to the other. But once conflict crosses the line into abuse, it enters a starkly different realm.

Abuse is a different ballpark
Abuse is intentionally harming the feelings or body of another. It requires a perception that the loved one is a threat and a conscious decision to inflict emotional or physical harm. There is no such thing as uncontrollable anger that forces a person to harm another. The brain always makes a judgment and a choice to aggress, albeit very rapidly.

For example, Rihanna probably said or did something to upset Chris. Yet he would have found a way not to get so upset if Shaquille O'Neal had done or said the same thing to him. He made a judgment that he would not be destroyed in the assault of his girlfriend and a choice to harm her. He was very much in control of that choice and is, therefore, completely and unilaterally responsible for his abusive behavior.

Abuse is about inflated or fragile ego that leads to temporary failure of compassion and basic humanity, i.e., a betrayal of the abuser's deepest values. It is not about relationship disagreements or miscommunications or intense conflicts.

Relationship issues and conflict tactics cannot be addressed until there is a guarantee of safety. Chris must demonstrate that his deepest values of self and loved ones are more important to him than his ego. He must believe in his heart that there is nothing she can say or do that would make him harm her, before there can be any discussion of what Rihanna might do differently when they have conflicts.

The Boston survey tells us that we are not modeling for our children the sort of compassion and basic humanity that makes the line between conflict and abuse vivid and unmistakable.