The tough thing about minor jealousy in dating is that you actually want a tiny bit of it to know that they other person cares. (You certainly don't want to love someone who wouldn't mind at all if you slept with the entire football team.) But a little bit of jealousy goes a long, long way. Think of it as a drop of powerfully concentrated liquid in a huge bucket of water. More than a tiny drop will poison any relationship you might develop with the jealous person and, more important, put you in harm's way.
Even minor jealousy has the potential to be harmful. Jealousy becomes dangerous once it turns into obsession. The more we obsess about something, the more imagination takes over, distorting reality and rational thinking. Jealousy is the only naturally occurring emotion that can cause psychosis, which is the inability to tell what is really happening from what is in your head. Most severe violence in relationships involves some form of jealousy.
Very Early Warning Sign #9: Rusher
I have had clients complain that their boyfriends don't pursue them or try to sweep them off their feet. I always tell them, "How lucky you are!"
Guys who go "too fast" (defined as whatever makes you uncomfortable), do not respect boundaries. One definition of "abuse" is "that which violates personal boundaries." It is not flattering that someone wants you so much that he does not care about whether you are comfortable. Make sure that any man you become interested in shows respect for your comfort-level, in all senses of the word.
Trust in Yourself
While a certain caution in dating is a good thing, you want to be sure that your caution is proactive, rather than reactive; you want it based on trusting your instincts, rather than distrusting love.
Trust in yourself stems from your deepest values. As long as you stay attuned to the most important things to and about you, you will naturally gravitate toward those who truly value you as a person.
But even if you are firmly grounded in your values, it's possible to be fooled by hidden resentment, anger, or abusive tendencies in the people you date. That's because it's easy for those prone to such tendencies to put on a false dating face. Because they have a more "fluid" sense of self than most people, it's easier for them to pour it into any container they think you might like. But they can't and won't stay in a nice container once you establish a relationship. Then their resentment, anger, or abuse will emerge in full force.
Multiple-Victimization
Research shows that if a woman has been mistreated in the past, even in childhood, there's a good chance that she'll be mistreated in her next relationship as well. It's called, "multiple-victimization," and it is often misunderstood.
I have heard far too many women clients say things like, "I could walk into a room full of doctors and therapists and fall in love with the one criminal."
Or they ask with sad and bewildered eyes, "Why do I only attract resentful, angry, and abusive partners?" They wonder if they put out signals that say, "Please abuse me!" This particular misconception has even infected a few professionals who have ridiculously theorized that some women "want to be abused."
If you've experienced multiple-victimization, please understand this: The problem is not that you attract only resentful, angry, or abusive suitors; it's that, by and large, you have not been receptive to the gentler, more respectful men you also attract. This is not due to your temperament or personality; it's a normal defensive reaction. After you've been hurt, of course you'll put up subtle barriers for self-protection. Non-abusive men will recognize and respect those barriers. For example, suppose that you work with someone who's attracted to you. But he senses that you're uncomfortable with his small gestures for more closeness. He will naturally back off and give you time to heal, or he'll settle for a non-romantic friendship. But a man who is likely to mistreat you will either not recognize your barriers or completely disregard them. He will continue to hit on you, until he breaks down the protective walls that surround your hungry heart.
The following "intimacy test" can help you become more sensitive and trusting to the non-verbal signals about attachment that ultimately rise from your core value.
Intimacy Test
Can you disclose anything about yourself, including your deepest thoughts and feelings, without fear of rejection or misunderstanding? ________
Is the message of your relationship, "grow, expand, create, disclose, reveal?" Or is it, "hide, conceal, think only in certain ways, behave only in certain ways, feel only certain things?"
Grow___ Hide ___
Does this relationship offer both parties optimal growth? ___
Can you both develop into the greatest persons you can be? ___
Does your partner fully accept that you have thoughts, beliefs, preferences, and feelings that differ from his? ___
Does he respect those differences? ___
Does he cherish you despite them? ___
Does he accept your differences without trying to change you? ___
Do you want to accept that your partner has thoughts, beliefs, preferences, and feelings that differ from yours? ___
Can you respect those differences? ___
Can you cherish your partner despite them? ___
Can you accept them without trying to change them? ___
A greater sense of your core values will give you more confidence that you can detect the very early warning signs of abuse. Listen compassionately to the faint messages of your hungry heart. Then it won't need to make the kind of desperate outcries that suspend your best judgment, scare off appropriate matches, and attract resentful, angry, or abusive partners.
