Anger in the Age of Entitlement

Cleaning up emotional pollution.

Steven Stosny, Ph.D., treats people for anger and relationship problems. Recent books: How to Improve your Marriage without Talking about It, and Love Without Hurt. See full bio

August 18, 2008, Relationships

Comments on "Marriage Problems: How Can I Be Me When You're Being You?"

Marriage Problems: How Can I Be Me When You're Being You?

By Steven Stosny on August 18, 2008 in Anger in the Age of Entitlement

Most people get married because they like the way they are with their partners - loving, compassionate, engaging, supportive, sexy, and flexible. They get divorced because they don't like the way they are with their partners - resentful, turned off, frustrated, rigid, or bored, all of which they blame on their relationship. Read More

"Getting to Know Me..."

Submitted by Paul Maurice Martin on August 18, 2008 - 4:50pm.

Sometimes I think a couple of relationship-free years should be required of everyone before the age of 25! Seriously, without wanting to require it, I think a great many people would benefit from NOT leaving their parents' custody to immediately go from relationship to relationship wondering why things don't work out when they've never really gotten to know themselves to begin with.

i couldnt have said it

Submitted by Anonymous on August 19, 2008 - 5:31am.

i couldnt have said it better myself. this is so true.

Willingness to Change

Submitted by Diane on August 19, 2008 - 12:03pm.

I am curious to understand why my fiancee doesn't see the need to make certian changes in his actions. He and I both have children from past relationships. Of course, we have to deal with our exes that we have children with. However, I think it is important (to me) that he and I do not associate with other exes that we had emotional and /or sexual relationships within the past. He had a 6 month relationship with one of the mothers on his son's football team. Of course sex became a part of it. Once they split up, and he and I became an item, we both said that we wouldn't have anything to do with individuals that we had relationships with. He has failed to meet that promise. His belief has gone from the one we agreed upon to " Well I don't want her..so why is it a big deal?" His attitude towards this infuriates me. I believe that there needs to be boundaries set. It didn't help the situation that when she saw me for the first time she was as nasty as ever (but oh so sweet to him. Why do I deserve that? He should have made sure that she knew that it was TOTALLY unacceptable for her to behave like that. Then, I would have felt better that he acknowledged me to her and that she knew she couldnt be nice to him and nasty to me. Am I being inflexible?

apply what you learn

Submitted by Becky on August 20, 2008 - 11:23am.

It's is great to be comfortable with your own growth but just being your most compassionate self isn't always enough to bring out the best in a relationship that takes 2. Therapy therefore, has to address needs and compromises. Being compassionate does nothing for my relationship if it's not being effectively communicated to my partner. I like my boyfriend to make specific requests. He's not trying to change me, he's just helping me nuture my already compassionate self in a way that strengthens the relationship. I do the same for him and our individuality has never sufferred.

apply what you learn

Submitted by amanda on September 3, 2008 - 2:29am.

Great concept, which I like!

Is it in you?

Submitted by Holly on August 26, 2008 - 11:54am.

It's wonderful if therapy can help two people be their most compassionate self with one another, but it's also important to use therapy as an assessment tool to see if the two people are even capable of compassion and if they are on the same level or not. If one person is very compassionate and the other is more self-absorbed and operates in self interest, obviously the compassion focus in therapy will go out the window, or one person will always pull the weight of the relationship; this leads to codependency and unhappiness.

But it's a good thing to assess for it in treatment, so that at least both people can see what they're made of and if they can realistically live up to one another's expectations. Sadly, this is often not the case by the time people make it into relationship counseling.

Whom do you want assessed?

Submitted by Steven Stosny on August 26, 2008 - 1:09pm.

Therapy can be very successful if you go into it to become the best person and best partner you can be. Sadly, most go into it to make their partners change. Nothing can show you whether your partner is capable of compassion better than your own compassion. Otherwise, you will not be able to tell whether he is merely reacting to what he perceives to be your failures of compassion. (Our brains do not objectively analyze our own emotional output; they are designed to be reactive to that of other people. Compassion – focus on how someone else feels – lowers the reactivity bias. Resentment, disappointment, guilt, shame, etc., raise it.) If you increase your appreciation of how he feels, and he does not reciprocate, you have a more valid assessment than a therapist could give you. You also have a much better chance of genuine reciprocal compassion than a therapist trying to help you “get your needs met” can achieve. If you're lucky, you'll get a therapist who will help you both be more consistent with your own values (what kind of person and partner you most deeply think you should be) rather than trying to make the one initiating the treatment feel justified.