Thank you SO much for writing this. Another horrible aspect of this is the therapist telling the patient that they will never get better if they don't accept that their partner is personality disordered and leave them. I have been torn apart by such judgements. What I wanted was to be connected to my partner (as we were before), and what I was told was that I was pathological for seeking a connection with a pathological person, and that our previous connection was a delusion I had believed in (induced by my "manipulative" partner of course). And of course doubting this opinion meant I myself was personality disordered.

I stopped seeing that therapist, obviously.

Any information on how to chose a good therapist and where to find one? Is there a network of therapist that use your material or very similar material. How about emotionally focused couple therapy?

I would LOVE to create a website called “Therapy Gone Wild” where we poor overanalyzed victims could list the name of the therapist, amount of time (i.e. years) spent with that therapist--and how much money was spent and actually ending up in worse shape than before walking into their office to begin with! Kind of like Warning! Warning! Danger Will Smith; you are treading on dangerous territory! Dr. Stosny your Compassion Power approach should be a requirement for any therapist as part of their curriculum!

I would LOVE to create a website called “Therapy Gone Wild” where we poor overanalyzed victims could list the name of the therapist, amount of time (i.e. years) spent with that therapist--and how much money was spent and actually ending up in worse shape than before walking into their office to begin with! Kind of like Warning! Warning! Danger Will Smith; you are treading on dangerous territory! Dr. Stosny your Compassion Power approach should be a requirement for any therapist as part of their curriculum!

Thank you Dr. Stosny for uncovering some of the grave problems with bringing psychology into difficult relationships. It sometimes seems to me that Psychology is the "science of blame." One marriage therapist (a psychiatrist) met with my separated husband (before he left me) without me knowing it and the two of them determined that it was not only me but actually my dad who the cause of some of my husband's behaviors. It seems like anything goes when people are trying to get out from the oppressiveness of guilt. Whatever happened to the idea of taking responsibility for one's life?

As far as diagnosing one's partner's illness, I think it is wise to recommend caution. However, we are in the information age. With the aid of the computer, people are doing more and more things without expensive professionals. I have seen this in publishing, finance-investing/taxes and with legal needs too. A friend of mine just made her will on-line for a tiny fee. I bought divorce financial planning software for much less than an hour's time with a divorce attorney. I plan to do much work myself before having the attorney review and hopefully improve it. The same thing is happening with the field of Psychology--especially since so many psychologists and psychiatrists are failing to truly help people for a reasonable fee within a reasonable amount of time. Actually, I would never have found Dr. Stosny without my efforts to gain insight into the distressing situation I found myself in. I first heard about him while browsing through books on Amazon.

While some may use the information they find in a cruel way against their partners, I think in general, doing research can help a person make good decisions. I don't think that looking into emotional problems that a partner is having and trying to give order to some of the pieces of the puzzle by putting possible labels on the behavior (not the person) shows a lack of lack of self-compassion. In my research, I discovered that some people who are in abusive relationships and/or have alcohol issues unfortunately do have some symptoms that are similar to those who psychologists perhaps might diagnose with a personality disorder. But, what I found was that for a diagnosis of a personality disorder the behavior patterns had to be of long duration--at least from the time of adolescence or early adulthood (according to the American Psychiatric Association). Also, the behaviors cannot be better accounted for by another disorder e.g. the suicide threats can't be resulting from depression, the impulsive behavior cannot be from an alcoholic binge or a head injury. I also learned that people suffering from mental illnesses and/or alcoholism often don't think they have a problem and will resent you for thinking they do--especially if you show them a checklist of behaviors. (This was not learned from a book!!--oops!).

I find it is best for me to look at very specific unacceptable behaviors and determine what I can do to stop the damage. I like the expressions: "It is not about 'who's right,' it is about 'what's right," and "focus on principles not personalities." Anyway, I wish everyone the best in their search for better living.

Here's an interesting twist... My husband (H) and I saw our second therapist (T) for about 6 months, after H was arrested for a second and final time for dom violence. During our sessions, T generally asked probing questions and watched us argue. Many sessions began with us on good terms, and ended with us embattled, again.

Finally, H refused to return. I kept our appt alone, and asked T, "What IS this? H's inability to ever admit he's wrong, his need to pretend that he's superior???" T said, “H has narcissistic tendencies (NT)." I had to have that explained to me, as I am not an expert in this area. T advised that I was quite healthy mentally, a touch N and a touch OCD, but nothing unhealthy. T went on to say that people with NT or NPD never change, that T's own father had NT, that T could not imagine why H's 1st wife had stayed with him all those years until she died, unless she needed a meal ticket, but 'No. He couldn't tell me what to do.', AND 'No, I didn't need any more help from him. I could call for an appt as needed.'

The NT diagnosis was dumped in my lap, and any further assistance in dealing with it was denied. Rather than a financial motivation, T seemed to be motivated by issues around his NT dad. He appeared to be determined to prompt me to leave H, as his mother had not.

Two years later, I am still dealing with H. I see a different T, alone. Your pity-contempt-guilt-pity pendulum swings sound familiar. I will read all I can find about the compassionate approach. So far, I have determined is that H has three needs: food (limited to foods he ate as a child), sleep, and fun. His experience of "love" is a warm feeling toward someone who is meeting those needs. Work, as required, is tolerated. H regards the needs of others, which compete for time and resources with is own needs, as problems. He is like a baby in many respects, and am like his mommy, a relationship in which no positive feedback is received from him, but a baby doesn't cry (complain, berate) if his three needs are met. It is quite strange, being aware that I am able to understand him now, but he will never understand me.

Living with someone who is so crazy is extremely stressful. The threat of physical violence is no longer a factor, as H is aware that a third arrest means prison. He maintains that being arrested for bending someone backwards over a counter with his hands around her neck, "wasn't strangling her," he was "holding her down by the neck." and "she got him arrested." “It was all her fault, because she wouldn’t shut up.” This is just to give you a taste of the thinking involved. Note that this man holds a responsible job and is a faithful spouse. To the outside world, he appears to be just fine.

Eventually, one learns that there is no real point in trying to reach consensus, and shutting up is the best strategy, rather than waste time and court stress. Communication as equals about anything directly related to the person is risky, as he may lose touch with reality very rapidly. All I want to do is live my life without experiencing lethal levels of cortisol. My health is suffering. H’s 1st wife lived a life affected by depression and ending in cancer. Depression has plagued me during this marriage and I was recently diagnosed with very early breast cancer. This is a very difficult situation. Leaving is not the preferred solution at this time. I hope that the information found here will be helpful.

What if your spouse has real issues? My better half had a serious one related to deep-rooted insecurities. It drove both of us crazy and we broke up.

I am so glad I found you Dr. Stosny, because everything you have written has happened to me. We started psychotherapy well over a year ago - my intention was to just get some help with the way we communicated. My husband has the tendency to withdraw and it has been cyclical throughout our marriage, with up and down periods of moods/behavior. During an extremely hard period of time a couple years ago - we each turned to talking to someone of the opposite sex - nothing physical and stopped short of being an emotional affair - I would categorize it more as a fun distraction from outside stresses. We both had lied to eachother about it, but I found out about his and came clean about mine in therapy. I wanted no more lies so we could put it all behind us and come back to the marriage. And for awhile it was going in that direction. But continued therapy provoked so much resentment, as well as, diagnosis of ADD and depression for him and anxiety for me triggered by stress. I have been accused of being crazy by him although my fault tends to lie in asking him more than 2 questions at a time which he says is me "coming after him". Our communication styles are very different, but I still believe we can find a happy medium for this. He just gives up if things aren't consistent. If he approaches me in a new way and doesn't get the response he wants, he won't keep trying the new way when consistency is what would make it work.

Anyways, what has happened now is that he has said that therapy has helped him to see that I am to blame for all the problems in our marriage and it's me that has to change. I am at the stage where he has withdrawn affection and intimacy, which was actually always a strong part of our marriage. There are glimpses of it, but he is definitely stonewalling. It's like all the control is in his court now - he gets to determine when and if he feels like coming back into the marriage based on the changes in MY behavior. I have backed off and given him space, because the whole year spent talking about our marriage has been a waste and incredibly stressful and I need to get back to being myself and being happy again. However, I cannot live like a roommate with my husband - I want a marriage again! I think he is feeling like I am treating him better because he is withholding affection, but I don't want to get into that pattern! We have young kids and I really want to save this marriage and make it better than it was. I do not want to go back to therapy (boy I wish I could get all that money back!). Is there any hope when you get to this stage for turning it around? How can he understand what he is doing and how it is hurting us? I feel like the only thing I can do is file for divorce to give him a jolt so he will wake up, but how sad is that?

It sounds like you're in a blame standoff, in which no one is willing to shift to improve, appreciate, connect, or protect. The best way out is for both of you to decide to be the best partner you can be, even if the other doesn't reciprocate. Try that for 30 days and see if it breaks the cycle. Send an email to compassionpower@compassionpower.com, and we'll send you a checklist on being the best partner you can be, according to your own standards.

I was young and lost relationships because they were quick to judge and taught me to be also. Now I'm older, and in need of a therapist to undo all the damage from years of therapy telling me to be selfish "Entitlement Without Responsibility" and let go, move on and be independent. I am good at that what I needed was someone like you to practice compassion. Maybe I would have felt it better to leave but not without my therapists support in learning compassion. (it comes naturally for me) they had me going against my own heart. So I never gave up, but I got hurt because I had no support. All I knew was love. Somehow that was looked down on. I don't want to be co-dependent, I know how to set boundaries for myself, speak for myself and let others come to their own conclusions about growth. I resent being lumped into these catagories all these years.

I am afraid to go to therapy again. Do you know of anyone? Is there any way I can get a recommendation?

I totally relate to this thread. Leaving is not the prefferred option $$$ at this time. I am 52, my first marriage, his 2nd. Like the post above his 1st spouse is pysically ill and was completely stressed during their volitole marriage. He totally blames 'others' for everything. takes no responsibility whatsoever. However she did fall in love and remarry, happily. at 50+. still she is sick from the stress.

Reading a book called 'walking on eggshells' actually 'eneabled' Me to stay 5 more years, focusing on him, (that not what the book said to do, it's just what I did) total of 9, so far. He sees himself as a victim of everything. Tells me 'You need help'. ha. who doesn't?

I am getting angry, assertive, he thinks assertive is angry. I feel trapped. but since I have no children I really am not.

It is Major stress. and chaos. living with him. He actually leaves when I show direct anger--he is P/A. I get silent treatment, told to shut up, I go on and on, and even f you on several occassions. He gave silent treatment to ex for 2 years, she had to have him removed by Police finally.
truly sickening. I actually do believe he IS bpd/npd and or attatchment disorder. So does she and she has degrees, I have studied psych my whole long life, so these are educated more or less diagnosis.

BUT like SS says, it doesn't matter, I am SUFFERING also and need to focus on ME. No physical violence, just emotional threats. childish, but real and they hurt. lose the house, $$$ etc. and he will 'cut off his nose to spite his face'. did it before.

SS is truly a gift to us when it comes to learning about what matters. I have read (too much), but/and he is as good as it gets.

I don't believe he will ever 'learn' to be emphatic/ compassionate, he is mean and cruel and self centered.

I actually 'get' what Terrorism is like after having known him, there truly are some people who do not respond to love. won't accept help, etc.

I need the stregnth to move on. I can't imagine going on like this forever.

lauren