Anger in the Age of Entitlement

Cleaning up emotional pollution.

Steven Stosny, Ph.D., treats people for anger and relationship problems. Recent books: How to Improve your Marriage without Talking about It, and Love Without Hurt. See full bio

June 3, 2008, Anxiety

Comments on "Emotional Abuse: Is Your Relationship Headed There? You Might be a Lot Closer than You Think!"

Emotional Abuse: Is Your Relationship Headed There? You Might be a Lot Closer than You Think!

By Steven Stosny on June 3, 2008 in Anger in the Age of Entitlement

When resentment begins to overwhelm compassion, it forms a self-linking chain that makes you look for things to resent as protection from disappointment. At that point it starts a downward spiral of irritability, impatience, restlessness, bickering, cold shoulders, stonewalling, angry outbursts, and, eventually, emotional abuse. Read More

Blame again

Submitted by IPAC on June 3, 2008 - 8:08pm.

Very helpful again blame is the key. When I catch myself blaming doesn't that automatically tell me I've lost touch with the emotional state of core value?

Yes.

Submitted by Steven Stosny on June 4, 2008 - 7:35am.

Yes.

resentment

Submitted by jan on June 5, 2008 - 5:55am.

It's such a distructive way of life for a relationship. I avoid being with happy couples because I feel like I'm lying to everyone when they assume we, too, are happy. I want to scream that we haven't had sex in years, that we have nothing in common but our child, that we've been living separate lives for most of our marriage. The silences are so huge it hurts.

I'm so sorry. You might want

Submitted by Steven Stosny on June 5, 2008 - 12:34pm.

I'm so sorry. You might want to take the walking on eggshells quiz at: http://compassionpower.com/Eggshells/

Actually, the quiz didn't work for me either.

Submitted by Anonymous on September 23, 2008 - 7:42pm.

Scores show at zero, even afetr answering all of the questions.

Answers that indicate

Submitted by Steven Stosny on September 23, 2008 - 7:48pm.

Answers that indicate walking on eggshells receive a 0.

I tried to, but it's not

Submitted by jan on June 9, 2008 - 5:45am.

I tried to, but it's not working. It doesn't give my score.

It gives it in the top left

Submitted by Steven Stosny on June 9, 2008 - 8:58am.

It gives it in the top left hand corer. To really benefit from it, try reading each question aloud and your answer. Happily married couples answer "never" to each one.

I have realized that I am

Submitted by jan on June 9, 2008 - 5:51am.

I have realized that I am the emotional abuser in my marriage. My husband has had multiple health issues for the majority of our lives together, and it's been my reason for not expressing anger. Getting angry with someone in physical pain feels sadistic, so I have stuffed my anger. I give the silent treatment,and watch TV for hours on end, show zero interest in his beloved sports, and I resent the life I am not able to have due to him.

Your resentment has made you

Submitted by Steven Stosny on June 9, 2008 - 9:00am.

Your resentment has made you into someone you are not. The first step is to realize that the resentful you is not the real you, no more than the runny nose you when you have the flu is the real you. There is a lot of free stuff on compassionpower.com.

Walking on Eggshells at Work

Submitted by Anonymous on July 9, 2008 - 11:39am.

I was in a long term marriage to a physically and emotionally abusive person - after family and individual therapy I set down new rules and stood by them and he ultimately left us about 3 years ago. Since that time I have started a new relationship and a new job, and I was taking your walking on eggshells quiz just to test the emotional health of my new personal life - to see if I can answer "never" to all the questions about my boyfriend. Then I realized that the anxiety I have been feeling is largely based around my work situation - I work for a man who is volatile, angry, unpredictable, verbally abusive, a screamer, and throws things. I am walking on eggshells at work. Short of quitting, what other course of action can you suggest?

The powerlessness of jerks

Submitted by Steven Stosny on July 9, 2008 - 12:41pm.

He is not entitled to mistreat you or anyone else. If you have any recourse through your human services department, take that. If not, try telling him, from your core value, that you cannot work as efficiently if he continues to frighten you. Be sure to let him know that you are frightened, which might make him back off to avoid a law suit. If he continues to behave poorly and you must keep the job, you can protect yourself by seeing him as a child in a temper tantrum. His behavior reflects the current state of his core value and is not about you. If your relationship with your current boyfriend is good, your boss is probably just tapping into residual effects of your past relationship. Don’t give his behavior any meaning about you, and those effects will begin to fade. Be on the lookout for your another job. The trick of dealing with jerks whom you do not love is not to react to them like a jerk yourself; then they lose all emotional power over you.

The Powerlessness of Jerks

Submitted by Maureen on July 10, 2008 - 10:55am.

Thank you for the reply - because of my history, it is difficult for me not to automatically think I somehow brought this about when he rages. I will keep reminding myself that his behavior is about him, not me. Unfortunately, I have no internal recourse, because we are a small company and I handle all the HR functions. I have already started looking for another position, but the job market is pretty bad out here right now, so I may need to stay here for the immediate future. I am looking for a script I can be ready with the next time he is raging - something like "(name), when you lose your temper you frighten me, and I cannot work effectively when I am scared. Can you please lower your voice?". Any specific suggestions would be very helpful, as I tend to not be able to verbalize well when I am intimidated.

Raising core value

Submitted by Steven Stosny on July 10, 2008 - 12:13pm.

Maureen, When emotionally aroused, most people do not verbalize well i.e., they cannot say what they mean in a way that will allow what they mean to be heard. I believe it is better to focus more on regulating your emotional state than on what you will say. Focus on what you might say will tend to make what you say sound manipulative to the other person. The real problem is that your boss’ bad behavior has temporarily lowered your core value. You must have a way of raising your value on the spot. Anything you say from a devalued state is likely to be far less successful than anything you say from a core value state. Your value as a person depends on what you do, not on how he behaves. Look on our website http://compassionpower.com, particularly at building core value http://compassionpower.com/corevalue.php

embracing resentment

Submitted by leona on September 5, 2008 - 2:22pm.

Thank you for this post; you flagged the small ways in which our relationships can get undermined when we are not in touch with our core values. I have also been writing about this in my blog (http://livinginreflectivepractice.blogspot.com/2008/09/embracing-everday...)
and have posted your article there with some comments. I have started thinking about small resentments as eddies in the flow of my relationships. If I skirt around an eddy it gradually builds up momentum or energy and turns into a vortex...and then the driving force of the vortex inevitably turns out to be a core value. If I can connect with my value then I express this to my husband. If I only connect to either my resentment/pain/thoughts or strategies/actions then our communication gets waylaid into a backwater of misunderstanding and hurt/anger.