Anger in the Age of Entitlement

Cleaning up emotional pollution.

Steven Stosny, Ph.D., treats people for anger and relationship problems. Recent books: How to Improve your Marriage without Talking about It, and Love Without Hurt. See full bio

May 16, 2008, Relationships

Comments on "Emotional Pollutants II"

Emotional Pollutants II

By Steven Stosny on May 16, 2008 in Anger in the Age of Entitlement

The chronic negative feedback produced by entitlement, resentment, anger, superiority, pettiness, sarcasm, victim identity, and enmity can do nothing but create more emotional pollution. Read More

Feeling icky

Submitted by Becky on May 16, 2008 - 12:54pm.

Just wanted to share a brief story about my own decision to cut out negative "friends."

I had what used to be a core group of close female friends. Sadly, the majority of this group has become completely enveloped in thier own negativity, feeding off each other in destructive ways. Most of them feel like victims. They rant about the no good men and trampy women that prevent them from finding love. They focus on the flaws in everyone and seldom acknowledge the good in people. I have never once heard any of them talk about admiration for another female. All females are competition and all interactions based on petty judgements and catty remarks.

I finally had to step away from this crew as I realized the deeper admittings of fear and insecurity driving thier behavior were never going to come, and that in thier presence my own success's would be down-played and my failures glorified. I recently got a divorce. This was my choice. It was painful but I never felt a victim. I never asked for sympathy, I simply didn't expect the mean comments of "you deserve it because you cheated on your husband." These women showed that they have no regard for my good qualities only my regrettable transgressions. In order to not fall into victim mode myself I simply stepped away. I can breathe now. I am no longer drowning in the cesspool these women are creating.

I wonder why I was drawn to them in the first place and I think it is because I was an emotional polluter myself back when I met them. I gained self-esteem and work daily to be a positive force in this world. I am so happy now. This blog helps me stay on track and not fall into traps.
Thanks

Congratulations

Submitted by Steven Stosny on May 17, 2008 - 8:44am.

Your insight into what the emotional pollution was doing to you is commendable. But I wouldn't be so quick to judge yourself about how you got into that circle. They may well have been much less negative when you met them. The high contagion of negative emotions automatically creates a negative feedback loop, once the group starts down that path. A 4:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions can easily degenerate into predominantly negative, due to the fact that negative emotions get priority processing in the brain. The good news is that negativity requires negativity in return to keep the feedback loop going. In other words, if you stayed focused on their positive qualities, it would have been increasingly harder for them to focus on any negative qualities they may have attributed to you. I don't mean to suggest that your decision to leave the group wasn't the right one for you. But a general note about dealing with the emotional pollution all around us is that you can combat it by staying true to your own values, which means your own compassionate nature. I doubt that your former friends wanted to be so negative. The temporary adrenalin arousal made them feel a little more empowered, though less valuable. That is the saddest thing about emotional pollution -- the substitution of power for value. The unconscious nature of emotional pollution affects us all. But we don’t always have to throw out the baby with the bathwater.