Anger in the Age of Entitlement

Cleaning up emotional pollution.

Steven Stosny, Ph.D., treats people for anger and relationship problems. Recent books: How to Improve your Marriage without Talking about It, and Love Without Hurt. See full bio

April 29, 2008, Relationships

Comments on "Why We’re Vulnerable to Emotional Pollution"

Why We’re Vulnerable to Emotional Pollution

By Steven Stosny on April 29, 2008 in Anger in the Age of Entitlement

All animals, including humans, use emotional displays to interact with one another. Aggression is the most dramatic example. Dogs growl, cats arch their backs, snakes hiss, horses stand up and wave their front legs menacingly, bulls kick sand, apes beat their chests, and humans puff up their muscles. Read More

Emotional Fatigue

Submitted by BeckyC on April 30, 2008 - 9:51am.

It seems like negativity can beat a person down so that they either become negative themselves or completely shut down. Some of my clients who have suffered from emotional abuse seem not to be negative themselves, butliterally too exhausted to be positive. They put up walls and take a nuetral stance. Thier apathy is thier last defense against falling into complete negativity. Similiarly, I have an aquaintance who is incredibly mean to me. Her rude comments are truly hurtful. I tried to come back at her with positivity and make the choice not to download resentment. Now I feel the best I can do is put up a wall. I feel physically unable to be compassionate with her. Is there an inbetween? Can a person be decidedly neutral or is this a mask for deeper resentment?

Defensive Compassion

Submitted by Steven Stosny on April 30, 2008 - 4:11pm.

Shutting down is becoming negative, so is putting up walls. There isn't really a neutral. When we are not creating value, we are lowering a store of value, which is the real reason victims get exhausted. Anytime your reaction to someone else makes you behave uncharacteristically -- not your compassionate self -- you are suffering the effects of emotional pollution. As we get more in touch with our core value, we experience a deeper kind of compassion that lets you see how much it hurts someone who is hurting you in terms of their diminished humanity. Most importantly, that keeps you from internalizing the effects of emotional pollution. Of secondary importance, it makes it difficult for the polluter to continue -- they need revenge motives to keep going. It also makes you gravitate toward those people and things that create more value in your life and away from those people and things who lower it.