Ambigamy

Insights for the Deeply Romantic and Deeply Skeptical

Jeremy Sherman is an evolutionary epistemologist studying the natural history and practical realities of decision making. See full bio

June 25, 2009

The Human Condition in a nutshell: Serenity prayer nails it, and here’s the rest. Part 1

The serenity prayer is more than how they close AA meetings. That thing is deep and speaks to the fundamentals of the human condition, including everything that drives psychology and the behavioral sciences in general--the pursuit of wisdom whereby we can make better decisions, trekking the winding mountain ridge of life in the dark about the future without sliding down the slippery slopes on either side of the ridge top. Here are some new variations on that greatest of prayers. Read More

June 23, 2009

Eisophtrophobia: Fear of mirrors and why the fallacies aren't common knowledge

I have a motto for this work: To name it is to tame it.

I search for terms that enable us to label common mental “moves,” especially the faulty ones. If you have a name for a move, you’re prepared to identify it when it flies by in thought and conversation. That way, you can catch others in weak reasoning, and indeed, keep your own weak reasoning in check.
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June 19, 2009

Post-nups: Love's give and take requires knowing who owns what

When is your partner's trespass an excusable case of give and take? When is it a major attempt to change the standards? The question can drive you crazy. Here's an easy way to cultivate and maintain sanity. Read More

June 8, 2009

Fungibility: Build to last forever; be ready to leave tomorrow

A few weeks ago I wrote an article called Job Security: loving your work whether you’ve got work or not. Basically it was a case for cultivating backup plans, fungible, functional equivalents to your main plan. I applied for a job recently that I didn’t get, and it didn’t bother me because I have lots of other work to do. Read More

May 21, 2009

Empathic Intelligence: To put yourself in their shoes, unlace yours

F. Scott Fitzgerald said “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.”

To which I’d add that the test of a first-rate capacity for empathy is the ability to hold two opposed positions in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to think for yourself.
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May 20, 2009

Can I trust them? Here's the quickest true test

The quickest test is your gut intuition: Do I like them? Do they like me?

But that’s too quick. The stakes are high. Most of us have had the crushing experience of trusting someone untrustworthy simply because there seemed to be mutual rapport. And the only experience as crushing, is not trusting someone who turns out to be trustworthy. Read More

May 19, 2009

Job Security: To love your work whether you've got work or not

I play bass and sing in jazz combos. Unlike rock, where band members stay together for years if they can stand each other, jazz gigging is more like pickup softball games. You get a call asking if you can make some café gig and if you can, you’re often meeting fellow players for the first time while setting up for the show. Read More

May 11, 2009

The benefits of a closed mind.

Which is healthier:
To be receptive or assertive?
To be flexible or firm?
To be unsure or sure?

Not obvious? We have other words for these traits so let’s try a few more.

Which is healthier:

To be easy-going or pushy?
To be accommodating or pigheaded?
To be generous or stubborn?
Read More

May 1, 2009

What's the real difference between feeling used and feeling useful?

I hate feeling used; I love feeling useful.

Really, what’s the difference? In both cases I help someone. But one feels awful and the other feels great.
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April 29, 2009

Mixed signals: I know you don't believe me but, believe me, you can believe me.

Last week I attempted an objective definition of a butthead, one that doesn’t boil down to what we subjectively call someone who persistently disagrees with us. I proposed that a butthead was someone who claimed to be pre-qualified for infallibility. Sometimes the prequalification is by means of membership in some club--the People who have Seen The Light. Read More

Relationships Basics

Love is the most profound emotion known to human beings. For most people, romantic relationships are the most meaningful element in their lives. But the ability to have a healthy, loving relationship is not innate. Almost all of us have experienced a failed relationship, and most of us have to work consciously to master the skills necessary to make them flourish.

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