My Intentions Are Good, Don’t They Count for Everything?

Consider these two dialogues:

Hunter: I’m sorry that you’re upset with me.

Logan: But you’re not sorry that you did it, right? Sounds like you’re blaming me and my upsetness for the problem here.

Hunter: Me? I have no intention to blame you.

Vs.

Hunter: I’m sorry that you’re upset with me.

Logan: But you’re not sorry that you did it, right? Sounds like you’re blaming me and my upsetness for the problem here.

Hunter: Oh. You’re right. I am blaming you rather than considering my contribution. I can see why that would bother you. Since I don’t intend to just blame you, I’m going to work on my tendency to do so.

In the first dialog, Hunter declares a good intention as a substitute for changing behavior. Hunter’s pledge of good intentions implies having always had good intentions. If Hunter has always had a good intention then it makes Logan wrong again. “It’s impossible that I could have blamed you since I know myself to be the kind who never wants to blame and therefore could never blame. Blaming you would be wrong so I never do it. Therefore your must be wrong about me blaming you.”

In the second conversation, Hunter’s declared intention is a pledge to work on not blaming from now on. Hunter’s declared intention is not a substitute for working on changing, but a complement to it, a pledge that Logan can bank on.

A lot of us think very highly of ourselves, or have such strong doubts about ourselves that we employ a full time inner spin doctor to cover our asses if there’s the least suspicion in the air that we might have made a mistake.

We don’t think about what we’ve done. Instead we listen for criticism and block it with declared intentions. “My intentions are always good. I never do anything that sounds like a bad thing because my intention is always to be right and righteous. So if you think I’ve done something wrong you’re making a mistake.”

Are such arguments convincing? Pretty much never. You can assume that when you censor feedback with declared intentions, it doesn’t go away, you just won’t hear it anymore. Blocking feedback is a great way to invite people to keep you in the dark about their real interpretations, to humor you by biting their tongue, and to escape you as soon as they can. Don’t blame them for keeping you in the dark. You asked for it with your use of declared intentions as a substitute for considering changes. A saint’s cloak you drape over yourself to protect yourself that only you can see. Others see it as the emperor’s new clothes, and having to bite their tongues since you assume you’re a saint, it will drive them crazy and eventually away.