Ambigamy

Insights for the deeply romantic and deeply skeptical

Will We Accept Pornosexuals As We Have Homosexuals?

A conversation with either a creep or victim of discrimination

I got in conversation recently with this decent fellow. We talked about all manner of things–an interesting guy. At one point I asked him about his relationship status. His response went something like this:

“Actually I’m a Pornosexual. I rely entirely on porn for my sexual release. I have for years. At first I was ashamed, but I’ve come to accept myself."

"It’s hard. Most people who know, look down on me because of it. They assume I’m some sort of pervert or letch, like how people used to think homosexuals go around lusting after every guy they meet, trying to cop a feel or whatever, as though you could never be just friends with gas, as though his sexuality was all consuming.”

“I’m not like that. I don’t go around thinking pornographic thoughts about everyone. My sexual life doesn’t bleed over into my social life. Perhaps because I have a easy outlet for my sexuality, I feel even more free to be a loving, caring wholesome friend. I’ve sometimes lived with partners and loved them well. We just didn’t equate sex with love, and when we were no longer compatible, we didn’t go through all that wrenching drama about losing our source of sex."

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"When the sex is good it’s a great source of relationship bonding; when it’s not so good, it makes people think they’ve fallen out of love when maybe they haven’t. I don’t have that distraction.”

“People who know me regard me as a very respectful kind person. I’m good with kids, impeccably honorable, friendly and safe. But when people figure out that I’m a pornosexual, they get worried about me. Same way people got worried about homosexuals around little boys. Would you let a homosexual teach kindergarten? Would you let a pornosexual?”

“No, for me, sex is a natural urge, but a distracting one, a carryover from our lizard brain pasts that has gotten all entangled with love. I figure just drain the lizard and get on with loving people for more relevant reasons than their sexiness. I'm free to love people on their merits, their wisdom, their productivity, their kindness, un-blinded by their looks.”

“Was I born a pornosexual or did I become one? Hard to say. Given the growing tolerance for masturbation and pornography and the ready opportunities to enjoy both, maybe people these days are more likely to admit to themselves that they're pornosexuals and eventually come out of the closet.”  

“I fantasized from early on and latched onto the first porn I got hold of. Maybe if I lived in a society that shunned masturbation, for example that anti-masturbation cult Dr. Kellogg of the Kellogs cornflakes started in the 1840's, I wouldn't have become a pornosexual."

"Maybe more pornosexuals will be coming out of the closet now because there’s less oppression.  Like with homosexuals. Before society became more tolerant, fewer admitted they were homosexuals if they even knew they were.”

“I’m hopeful that society will eventually become more tolerant of pornosexuals once folks realize that we’re like everyone else, some good, some bad, just normal people. I bet folks don’t realize that they have friends and relatives who are pornosexuals. They’d be surprised how many are out there.”

And having pornosexuals in the mix might not be bad for society. Think of how much attention and drama revolves around sexual jealousy and courtship. The world is full of a number of things; I’m sure we should all be as happy as kings and queens, but some of us are just miserable, and so distracted by the trivia of who we get to mate with, not even to make babies just the whole sex-love thing."  

"The world is also full of much higher priorities.  Maybe we’d have more energy for the important things in life if some of us just drained the lizard and moved on.”

I don’t know what to make of his argument.  I’m still thinking about it.

Jeremy Sherman is an evolutionary epistemologist studying the natural history and practical realities of decision making.

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