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my name is tahira ,i m married since 15 years,i have two daughters,14 and 10 years old,plz do,nt publish on the page,my husband have relationship with alady - ali.he met with her in 2000.she was workng with him in his office,then my husband started his own bussiness in 2001,her english grammer was good so my husband giving her to do some email,and other work but he did,nt told me about her.even i hav,nt seen her till now.i fell very hurt i cant tell u in words.everyday crying my heart is paining.i can t,describe u my feeling.after the birth of my second daughter,he changed.he does,nt allow me to sit in front seat with him,he blaming me every day with everything,whenever he come from out side,shouting on me.hitting mealways angry with me.that u r in perfect.comparing me with others,always even he dos,nt walk with me.but he always show me in front of family friends.but aways said to them that she cant cook.she is not good mother.she is not making routine of her kids,all these ten years insulted me in front of other and infront of his family,for 5 years we dont have relation of sex,after that once ayear he done,till now he have piles now ,dvt,hernia and high uric acid,he is 44 now and that lady is 40 now and educated aswell.in 2007 i saw massges in his mobile because he is allowed me to touch his mobile till now.he always see me in full clothes ,no low neck,no seethrough clothes not allowed,not allowed to go outside after 8 0clock not allowed go any of my family friends and friends,but he send me to my mother home to pakistan ,and my brother home to uk,but always connected ,on phon that where i am and what i am doing.asking abut his children,at that time i was young ,so he dos,nt wants me to talk any body.now he said go outside with kids,
It sounds like you're in a very tough situation and I'm sorry for your pain. How are you doing?
This article may have some merit in SOME relationships, but I think at the risk of trying to be clever it missed out on being a particularly helpful article. In my situation, my husband cheated on me right after the birth of our first child, and again with two other women years later. Many factors were involved in his poor decision making: namely, alcohol and opportunity. To side-step these did many women reading this a huge disservice. In my husband's case, there was previously untreated FOO issues (family-of-origin) as well as extreme immaturity, not to mention my own need to keep him on the pedestal I placed him on. We were a train wreck waiting to happen. It all came out when he left his facebook page open one day two years ago. He's been in treatment and on AD meds and has become who I thought he was all along.
To use this author's dog metaphor, we never had dogs in our relationship. We never fought. We were the politest couple you'd ever met. People think we had the "perfect" marriage. If they only knew.
I'm sorry to hear about your past. That must have been awful and I hope things are better now.
I just wanted to comment on a few things as they seemed interesting and valid to me.
I think that there is a parallel between immaturity and the ability the meta-cognate on one's behaviour or as the author refer to as knowing "what you do about what you do about it". While there are differences, I think that the article only seeks to tackle a single point.
In regards to your last comment on the dog metaphor. The author addresses that there are different ways the dogs manifest, self pity, passive aggression. My feeling is that couple's can pride themselves over never fighting. I see an ugly side to that. For one, that's what a relationship looks like with an acquaintance. And more importantly, that is a breeding ground for the internalisation of negativity. If people feel as though they need to be polite and lovely all the time, they will be afraid to show that they're unhappy. That unhappiness will always manifest. I read once that if you feel weird about something with your partner, you should sort it out immediately because it will become the reason you break up. Sure, that is a flawed universal statement but I find it to be inspired.
Yes, we have learned that "being polite" was definitely NOT the way to having an intimate relationship. We both came from crazy households with lots of screaming and yelling and we responded by being polite. We both never learned how to talk about the hard stuff and never learned to fight fair and so we didn't fight at all. And now I think I understand what Dr. Sherman was referring to in his metaphor: my husband unleashed HIS "mean dogs" in a passive-agressive way (by cheating). And when I found out, I unleashed my own on him. (I think that's what he meant...not sure exactly...)
Thanks for your comment!!!
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. The potential factors (alcohol, FOO, extreme immaturity, pedestals, etc. etc.) are, as I said too numerous to mention, though the factors you name probably belong on the short list. The pedestal may be the closest to what I described. People who can "do no wrong" often begin to do a lot of wrong since they can get away with it--that sense of entitlement and exceptionality.
They say "don't agree with everything you think." I don't agree with even everything I write. I try to make a point of keeping in mind the counter-arguments to my pieces when I write them, but then doubt is my primary interest, the two sides of coins.
I'll say one more thing though about letting our mean dogs out when we're scared. It goes beyond romance. I think it's very operative in the political and cultural realm. A whole lot of poltical stresscalation these days.
Wishing you well as you move ahead, and sorry that my article missed striking a chord for you.
I appreciate your personal response and had not fancied the notion that you'd even see my response to your article and I hope I did not hurt your feelings. What I've found in my recovery is it's obvious and occasionally feels insulting to read articles like these; they appear to be written by people who have not been affected personally by adultery. The "cleverness" I mentioned about the "mean dogs" metaphor feels exactly that--almost making light of a very serious situation. There's nothing funny about being cheated on.
If I had read this article before I'd uncovered the 16 years of lies and deception, I probably wouldn't have made it past the first few paragraphs as I'd assume it didn't apply to me. Like I wrote, we were the "polite" couple who never fought. We never unleashed mean dogs on one another. Not until d-day ("discovery day)" , when you can bet I unleashed mine.
I see that you're a long-time married person with adult children; have you been one of the lucky ones to not have been touched by adultery? I'd like to hear more about THAT. If you have been on either side of the adultery coin, I'd like to hear more emotion in your writing.
Thank you again for responding, and thank you for your well-wishes.
I got my Ph.D. in evolutionary theory when trying to understand my intense sexual jealousy after my now ex-wife fell in love with another man.
I'm not being cute about the mean dogs and I believe many of the meanest are expressed in the posturing of politeness.
Perhaps you are still smarting so much from the experience that it's hard to hear any alternative perspective on it that wouldn't feel trivializing or like it misses the point. I get that impression from the way that you ignore in this letter my contextualizing of stresscalation in the bigger picture, so let me say it again: scared people letting loose their mean dogs may not just be the demise of relationships but civilization itself.
I don't know a more intense feeling than being cheated on, or being left for someone else. So I understand why you feel compelled to chide me for trivializing. But I'm serious.
Thank you again Dr. Sherman for your response, and I think I owe you an apology. I appreciate your candor and I am sorry for the pain you went through in your own marriage. I am humbled by your experience and choosing to become an evolutionary psychologist in response to your jealousy. I am reading a book by an EP right now (I think I should read YOUR book next!!) for the same reasons. I think, if only I could stop being jealous things would be so much better for me (my husband has never been jealous...what's up with that? Why can't I be like that?) Also, I think I didn't understand your "mean dogs" metaphor very well...thank you for expanding on it.
I appreciate your responses and look forward to reading more articles from you in the future.
a lot about how to make it so that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger not just by hardening us but by making us more one with the human condition.
Take care and may your very tough experience yield you wisdom you can use.
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Jeremy Sherman is an evolutionary epistemologist studying the natural history and practical realities of decision making.
It can take a radical reboot to get past old hurts and injustices.