Ambigamy

This is so great. I can't count the number of times in my life I have gone through the same ruminations you describe: did they get my message/email? are they mad about what I said? did they forget it? are they just busy or are they punishing me? should I email them again or will they think I'm more annoying that they might already think I am? I get obsessive. It is maddening, but also kind of hilarious and painful, too.

I've been giving two people the silent treatment over a couple/few emails, which is normally something I don't ever do; I tend to be on the receiving side of silence, almost always. But I am taking the "let sleeping dogs lie" approach mostly because neither of these people deserve my attention and they've both treated me badly in the past (giving me the silent treatment, too). I'm honestly enjoying not responding, which is very unlike me; I don't get off on schadenfreude or hurting people. But this is really very delightful. No drama, just quiet. And deserved, both ways.

I also love your semiotic analysis of silence. It really sheds light on semiotics as much as silence and shows how absence feels like a "thing" even though it isn't a thing exactly. Like it's negating the idea of "thingness", but not quite that either because there is still a deep ambiguity to it; it's not directly negating. Of course, most things are ambiguous to a certain extent (enigmatic signifiers), but silence is ambiguous because it doesn't say anything and one is left nothing - no explicit information - in trying to tease out the implicitness that is also indirect. Maybe silence, in a way, is negating or breaking, or at least interrupting (without saying anything!) the social animal in us, or the natural human need to express, to bond, to share, to make assertions and receive recognition, etc. Or something like that? Silence can not only mean many things but there is a sense of being about it, and it can "be" many things: comforting, calming, peaceful; awkward, embarrassing; aggressive, defiant; lonely, painful. It is a very compelling thing, or maybe phenomenon... can we call it that? A mode of being, in some strange way.

Very interesting nonetheless! Thanks for sharing.

Brooke

A very interesting article, it makes me think. For a while now I've learned that silence is the best weapon of all, but I've never thought of why, really. I've never quite understood why it's given me so much power over someone else, by doing nothing.

Very inspiring and thoughtful text.

When I'm facing with silent treatment- I'm just assuming that the individual is having issue(s) with his/herself and needed time out. I won't think anything of it and continue enjoying my life. I guess
because I'm independent and confident kind of a person.

Thanks all for writing.

Love, it must be a source of great peace of mind for you to never have to deal with any doubt when people are silent with you. But tell me, what if you were dealing with someone who didn't treat you right, and didn't give you room to talk about your grievances? You couldn't get away from this person because he's family, or a co-worker or a boss, and you couldn't talk to him either, and you were really frustrated because really he was being pretty nasty. If he said "Well I'm just an independent and confident kind of person," and he interpreted your silence as meaning you were having issues with yourself, would you be satisfied?

I know one solution is to be independent confident AND not nasty, but have you noticed that a lot of nasty folk actually think they're just being confident and independent?

Anyway, if it's working for you, it's all good. I'm writing for those of us who wonder sometimes.

Best,

Jeremy

Great article and discussion. I agree with the confident attitude and would add that it's healthy to try and bridge the gap for everyone involved. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst and ask if everything is OK. Neither worrying or assuming are as useful as the a getting getting the truth and moving forward.

i take my time getting back. i find some senders to be overbearing, impatient and disrespectful of others' time - yeah i'll get back to you depending on the urgency of the situation, or when i feel like it, or if it makes sense to me to get back to you. don't take yourself so seriously, sender, that you expect an answer like in the next 4 minutes or else you're gonna write me off. that only displays how un-chilled out you are and need anxiety &/or ego management type classes.

and how about when you decide that my response is too late for your taste that you don't get back to me?

i really really enjoyed this article, Dr. Sherman. i deeply appreciate your articulation of the concept via "thingness". it helps me to put behaviours into perspective, my own and others' as well. Thanks!

Dear DR. Sherman,
Thank you for your inspiring and thoughtful insight. I recognized that your writing are helping many of us who having "trouble" with the silent treatment from others. I admittedly not having run in to too many "Silencer" so far,when I do, I certainly wanted to give him/her the benefit of doubt that he/she is a nice person with personal issue(s) that needed time alone to work thing out. I will ask If I can be of help but I won't pride out of respect of individual's private. In my past experience with a friend, she
later came to me and told me of her own personal plight and shared it with me ,this after several months passed by. Well, we went back to be very good friends afterward. I did encourage her to feel comfortable to talk to me again and not to suffer in silence alone, and she agreed.
My apology for not respond to your writing sooner. I traveled far and wide for work related,and not
always have personal time to respond right away. I'm flatter thought that you spoken directly to me.
Again, many thanks for your valuable input. I enjoyed reading Psychology Today and I'm a subscriber.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this article. I have parents who frequently used the silent treatment, both when I was young and now that I am an adult. I can honestly say, nothing irritates me more. If I have a problem, in general, I air it, I communicate it.

Once in my life I did not. I broke up with someone by just not answering a letter that had come too late and it had an apology. I remember being so angry and ripping it up. The letter made what we had seem completely unimportant and I did not feel the same. Now, I am back in touch with the same person and often, when I write to them they do not answer, even if they write first. I wonder if it is payback sometimes, but I am all but ready to say good bye again. I really cannot keep wondering and I don't think I can communicate effectively with them as much as I would love to have the person in my life again.