Ambigamy

Dear Mr. Sherman, I have to agree to some extent with what you have said in your article. But I am still confused. Most of the popular theories talk about self-confidence being self-generated rather than with any support from environment. We have also come across situations in which some people do better than others -- how do we explain the difference? Is it innate, inborn? or they have another environment that supports them (like home, spouse, friends, family background or plain old luck?). or Both? Can you shed some light on this?

P V Narayanan, New Delhi, India

Thank you so much for writing, and it's an excellent question. There are temperamental, life experience and cultural differences.

My middle child is a good example. My eldest took up a lot of space. My middle child I believe was by temperament quieter and less in need of attention and affirmation. But I also believe his experiences growing up in the shadow of his intense older brother made him simply expect less affirmation. He is now quite independent. He doesn't seek much status. He has a few friends and seems content.

I liken my eldest son and myself to hummingbirds who need nectar every 15 minutes. We both seek affirmation, the ricochet of our voices off of society, a sign from God by way of his children. That's one reason I'm a teacher and I write all of this blog stuff.

There are different versions also of what signs we're looking for, or you could say there are degrees of specificity. For example, I could be looking simply for what I call an "endorphment" that is the pain killing pleasure inducing (endorphin) experience of endorsement--just a sign that I'm popular or liked. Or I could be looking for guidance as to what I should and shouldn't be doing with my day.

And then notice that how much you depend on social affirmation depends on how much affirmation you've gotten, but in two different and opposite ways. For example if you were affirmed a lot in your youth that can make you expect and depend upon a lot of affirmation, or it could substitute for affirmation now. The fact that you lost a prestigious job could make you more desperate and low on confidence, or less, if you say "Hey I already made my name. I've got laurels to rest on."

And then there are cultural differences and cultural shifts as well. In his book the Lonely Crowd David Riesman reports a trend from tradition-directed to inner-directed, to other-directedness, where the last is closest to what I describe in this article.

And even with all of these variations on the theme, there's no denying the way our self-confidence is built and to some extent depends upon our social context. The variations above are at their simplest, positions on a continuum between what you generate and what society generates for you. My main point is not to forget one of the continuum's two poles.

Thanks for writing.

this is a brilliant article :)

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My husband was reorganized out of his last job 18 months agi. In the last 10 years, he's had 4 jobs which average to about 18 months each. Two of those 4, he was asked to leave.

Do you know how tiring the self-absorbed "self-serving pep-talks" have become? I am so drained. They suck my life blood out of me. He comes across as being so needy.

What can we -- the providers of family support who are busting our butts -- do to protect us from the unemployed's needs? Whose needs take priority?

I get it. This is a major challenge to any marriage. You pledge to stay together through thick and thin but that doesn't solve the give-and-take question about whom in the thick of it should stretch to accommodate whom. What's a need? What's a want? What's an indulgence.

There's no formula for answering those questions but I suggest that there are three formulas for asking them.

First. You've only got three lubricants in relationship
Compatibility
Give-and take negotiation over the incompatibilities
Taking space.

All of the particulars boil down to these. Where you're not compatible can you take space? If not can you negotiate a compromise.

Second: There are only three explanations for someone's annoying behavior:

1. The can't help it. They need to do it.
2. They can help it but won't. They want to do it.
3. The shouldn't help it. There's is a lifestyle choice that while different from yours is no less legitimate.

1. Points toward your accommodating the annoying person.
2. Points toward you pushing the person to be more considerate.
3. Points toward you leaving the person.

There is a fourth possibility: You decide you can't tell whether Can't won't or shouldn't change. You simply decide that he didn't change and you walk away.

Third, "How can I make this work." and "Can I make this work are radically different questions.

Oh and fourth, moral indignation at another person's self-indulgence is great for stimulating a vote with you're flare-ups or your feet both of which are potentially the right moves, depending on the circumstance. "How dare him!" Stirs the blood and gets you in a mood to say "My way or the highway" to him. It's the opposite of the energy necessary for continuing to tolerate him, for example taking psychic space in which you turn a blind ear to his pep-talks. For that you need empathy, the ability to say "yeah if I was in his shoes I might be doing what he's doing."

Like I say no formulas for answering but yes formulas for asking your questions.

Best,

Jeremy