"My wife has cut our lovemaking to down to once a month. But I don't mind. I know two guys she's cut out entirely."
--Rodney Dangerfield
"Chains require. Whips optional."
--A highway sign in California, slightly modified.
"My friends are so horny, they'll make love to anything that moves. But I never saw any reason to limit myself."
--Emo Philips
"The act of procreation and the members employed therein are so repulsive that if it were not for pent-up impulses and the beauty of the human face, Nature would lose the human species."
--Leonardo DaVinci
"I discovered a new oral contraceptive. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said no."
--Woody Allen
"Vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry."
--Unknown
"I used to be a virgin, but I gave it up. No money in it."
--Phyllis Diller
"Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn."
--Garrison Kiellor
"Marital sex is like a savings account. You put it in. You take it out. You lose interest."
--Professor Irwin Corey
"Chaste makes waste."
--Unknown
"Get in good physical condition before attempting bondage. You should be fit to be tied."
--Robert Byrne
"I know of nothing that brings the manly mind down from spiritual heights than a woman's caresses."
--St. Augustine
"It's been so long since I had sex, I can't even recall who gets tied up."
--Joan Rivers
"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted."
--Mae West
"Tumescence is the period between pubescence and senescence."
--Robert Byrne
"A man is as young as the woman he feels."
--Variously ascribed
"Familiarity breeds attempt."
--Goodman Ace
"The man's desire is for the woman. But the woman's desire is for the desire of the man."
--Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"If it weren't for pickpockets, I wouldn't have any sex life at all."
--Rodney Dangerfield
"I find that a woman is occasionally a serviceable substitute for masturbation."
--Karl Kraus
"The orgasm has replaced the Cross as the focus of longing and fulfillment."
--Malcolm Muggeridge
"What a man enjoys about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how she looks without them."
--Brendan Francis
"I like a man who takes his time."
--Mae West.
"Sex is the biggest nothing of all time."
--Andy Warhol
"The problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams
"Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage."
--Robert Byrne
"I kissed my girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco ever since."
--Arturo Toscanini
"I'm as pure as the driven slush."
--Tallulah Bankhead
"What is it men in women do require? Gratified desire.
What is it women in men do require? Gratified desire."
--William Blake
"Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right."
--Woody Allen
"I know nothing about sex. I've always been married."
--Zsa Zsa Gabor
