J.M., of Seattle, has been a sex worker for 15 years. Now around 40, charming and articulate, she sees 10 men a week and gives them what they pay for. Her clients like it--62 percent are repeaters.
But after seeing the 2004 movie, "Kinsey" about controversial sex researcher Alfred Kinsey, she decided to give her clients something else, a survey. She presented results based on 225 clients at a meeting of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists that I attended. There's no shortage of surveys of sex workers and their patrons. But to my knowledge this is the first survey conducted by a sex worker herself. It presents an intriguing spin.
J.M.'s sample was self-selected, men who visited her, and were willing to participate in her survey, so it can't be viewed as representative of all men who pay women for sex. But it's certainly food for thought.
Half of J.M.'s clients were single, half married. They were overwhelmingly white (93 percent). They ranged in age from 26 to 70, but the largest group was in their 50s.
The stereotype is that single men who visit sex workers are losers who can't get dates. But J.M. characterized her single clients as attractive and charming. None struck her as losers. Most dated and had sex without paying for it (directly). So why visit her? They felt sexually insecure: "I have sex, but I'm anxious. My dating relationships haven't progressed to the kind of comfortable sexual give and take I'd like." "The more sex you have, the better you get at it. I want to learn more about women and how to give them pleasure." "I get nervous on dates. The stakes are higher when you want an emotional connection. Here I can relax."
The stereotype is that married men who visit sex workers don't get any at home, or enough, or what they want. J.M.'s clients bore this out. Most had sex at home but not enough to suit them, and complained that their wives were not interested in either sex or nonsexual affection. "At home I don't get much kissing and touching. I asked my wife to go into therapy. She said, ‘We don't need it.' So this is my therapy." "My wife and I are good friends but there's not enough affection or sex. So after much thought, I decided to make up for what I don't get at home while not hurting anybody." Many married clients told her, "I come here to save my marriage." Few married clients expressed any guilt about visiting J.M., just 8 percent.
Compared with single men, J.M.'s married clients were more interested in her sexual responsiveness, wanting her to have an orgasm with them. "I want to know I can make a woman come." Unlike many sex workers, J.M. is willing to have orgasms with clients who request it--26 percent did.
J.M.'s clients' top two sexual requests were fellatio (91 percent) and vaginal intercourse (71 percent). No surprise there. But many men, both single and married, also wanted more variety than they experienced during noncommercial sex. "Here I get diversity," one said. Requests included receptive anal fingering (55 percent), non-genital massage (53 percent), nipple play (22 percent), receptive anal intercourse with a strap-on dildo (18 percent), and analingus and female domination/male submissiveness (less than 5 percent).
I've seen many surveys of sex workers and their patrons. But this is the first survey of clients by a sex worker. While not earth-shattering, it breaks some new ground. More than half of J.M.'s customers want non-genital massage, and even more want receptive anal. That's news to me. How about you?
