And now, given the economic climate, we find ourselves on a money anxiety roller coaster ride.  Like the Dow, our personal sense of financial stability, comfort, and control rises in great leaps, and then falls falls, falls...all on the same day. Anxiety and feeling a loss of control about money are reaching epidemic proportions (see our blog on the Financial Anxiety Epidemic), and is taking a toll on our close relationships.

Listen to Taylor and Lisa's story: They are in their mid-thirties, married for five years, both with stable employment. Lisa is by nature a saver: She works hard at reducing financial risk; she is a consummate price shopper; she works out at home instead of buying a gym membership; she balances her monthly checkbook and pays closer attention to their spending habits-whether it is buying a car, going to the theatre, or thinking about retirement. She fell in love and married Taylor, Mr. easy going. Taylor is the guy who loves to entertain, who is a generous tipper, who wants to make life easier by minimizing the energy of research on purchases. Taylor is optimistic, Lisa is realistic. Taylor makes sure he enjoys life; Lisa makes sure the bills are paid.

Let's not exaggerate their differences, for each has a little of the other within themselves. They are both hard workers who have responsible jobs: Taylor is a highly regarded production manager in a manufacturing company. Lisa is an attorney, whose practice is doing well enough but not what she wishes it would be. They both pay off their monthly credit card bills. Neither are big spenders or debt creators.

But opposites do attract, and when it comes to love and money, differences can create a positive partnership. Taylor's attitude about living life seems to stretch Lisa's psychology, so that she worries less and enjoys more of life. Lisa's smart  pragmatic attitude makes Taylor feel more secure and confident. In Affluence Intelligence terms, Taylor is strong on financial ease; Lisa is strong on financial competency.

But now the financial anxiety epidemic has hit their home. Lisa's concern about the economy, about the likelihood of a reduction in their income (her practice was down 15% this year), and learning that a friend of hers had been laid off-combining these factors with the daily dose of media downers—had given her a financial anxiety fever. She says to Taylor: "Stop with the morning cappuccino and muffin. I'll fix you breakfast at home. We need to put more aside, just in case.  We need to cut back on entertainment, and go on much less expensive vacations." At first Taylor just ignored her anxious pleas. But then it got worse:  Lisa said, "Stop being a child...wake up...the economy is in terrible shape...We need to be prepared, not live like ostriches with our heads in the sand." Taylor:  "Honey, nothing has changed...we're not overspending, just living life as we have for 5 years. All that bad news out there does not directly apply to us. We're in our mid-thirties, with no kids, and with good jobs...just relax, chill out".

The more Taylor told Lisa to cool it and control herself, the more she felt devalued and injured.  Then it got worse, as the money issue started to infiltrate their sex life: Taylor, feeling dominated by his "controlling motherly wife" and thus felt the need to take charge in bed; Lisa found his new attitude to be "adolescent and a turnoff". In the past they had their own special way for relaxing, connecting, and getting turned on. Now their formula for intimacy was tainted by the financial anxiety epidemic. So fighting replaced sex. Lisa took the opportunity to let Taylor know all the ways in which his lack of financial foresight was "not being a man, not taking care of her." She went on  to worry about what will happen when they decide to have a baby. Taylor felt berated and judged. Lisa felt he was acting self centered and emotionally disconnected. She said, "You're just a big financial baby; you don't connect with my feelings in bed; he replied, "connect with your feelings?  You act like I need to follow the 'Lisa sex instruction manual' every time we make love. And by the way, when it comes to money, "You're just cheap"!

This couple had yet to experience any real financial impact of the economic downturn. Lisa's practice was somewhat down, but ups and downs in her business were normal. Their assets and liabilities were stable, had hardly changed since they married. It was their emotional experience of the recession...their internalization of the myriad pieces of information that each of us receive on a daily basis—from people we know, people we hear about, and from the 24/7 media, that needs a story a minute to keep audiences engaged. Lisa and Taylor's different individual money psychologies had worked together in the past, but now they viewed the other as an enemy—a thief who was going to steal their money, or their enjoyment of life, away. This collision of individual psychological defenses, personality predispositions, money beliefs, and societal forces was fracturing their marriage. 

When changing circumstances both inside and outside ourselves reach a synergy of tension, we believe it is necessary to take action.  But what action is the correct action? All too often we react with our brain stem psychology-fight or flight. "I know better than you" is not the grounds for a collaborative partnership.  

So what to do?  Start with the introductory page from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Don't Panic. This is the time to pause, catch your breath, and take hold of what might roll off your tongue that you will regret later. This is the time to expand, not contract your awareness and your choices.  Crises and life transitions breed opportunities, if we can get past the initial panic. These are moments in life to step back and take stock of who you are, what you value, what gives you meaning and purpose, and where you want to go. It is the time to be smart and cool headed. Be wary of ways in which you may be self-blaming; exaggerating; denying; blaming others, or avoiding.  When money marital anxiety goes up, it cannot be ignored. The red light is flashing. You need to act, but you must be strategic in how you act.

In our book Affluence Intelligence we show how you can take stock of your money related capacities by determining your Affluence Intelligence Quotient. Discover your score showing your specific strengths and vulnerabilities. Learn how your psychological defenses may be creating blind spots or obstacles to changes that you want to make. Discover the gap between what you say you want to do and what you actually do in your daily life. Share your findings with your partner, so that together you develop a plan that is more than just one plus one—as one of our favorite clients says, in a relationship, one plus one can equal four! Make sure you develop an action plan that works in harmony with your life partner, (or any intimate relationship of which you are a part.)

It should come as no surprise that couples money issues affect their most intimate moments. This couple's inability to reach agreement on spending and saving got in their way both in and out of the bedroom. Couples often go to war when they get stuck in their own mindset, demonizing how the partner is "too different" when in fact that very difference may have been a key force of their mutual attraction. It is fascinating to see how people will mate with partners who seem to have diametrically opposite Affluence Intelligence capacities. For example, Taylor's AIQ results showed his strengths in Financial Ease, Optimism and Resilience, while Lisa's AIQ revealed her strengths in Financial Competency, Ambition, and Ability to Work Hard and Achieve Goals.