You remember, conservative Republicans were howling for Bill Clinton to resign for cheating on his wife with intern Monica Lewinsky, and they then impeached him? Okay, so he tried to cover it up, too. But we've now discovered that every single Republican involved in his impeachment hearings has cheated on his spouse and was covering up too!
First, that conservative stalwart Newt Gingrich, as Speaker of the House the man spearheading the whole impeachment process, was cheating on his wife at the time of the impeachment. Gingrich also admitted, on James Dobson's Focus on the Family no less, that he cheated on his first wife with the second wife he later cheated on. As ABC declared: "It's worth noting that Gingrich did not limit his comments about Clinton and the Democrats to legalistic allegations of perjury. Constantly espousing family values even while he carried on an affair, Gingrich linked his party to wholesome family values."
Due to this and other problems, Gingrich resigned. His designated replacement was Louisiana Congressman Bob Livingston. Ooops! Before he could take up this position, it was revealed that Livingston had had a series of affairs and HE had to resign. Another leader in the impeachment was Representative Henry Hyde, who was revealed to have had a long-time affair with Cherie Snodgrass (Cherie was really cute - Hyde wasn't even bad-looking then - too bad we all grow old). Hyde broke the affair off after his wife found out about it. Except - you know that cover-up thing? Cherie, in her sixties, said Hyde was still lying - the affair lasted two-and-a-half years after Hyde's wife found out about it. Now why would an honorable conservative supporter of family values lie about such a thing?
One canard is that only male politicians cheat on their spouses. Anti-male propaganda! Rep. Helen Chenoweth (R-Idaho), who was one of the first to call for Clinton's resignation, revealed that she had had a six-year extramarital affair. Which reminds us of Rep. Bob Barr (R-Georgia), who was the first legislator in Congress to call for Clinton's resignation and then became one of the leaders of the impeachment movement. Barr cheated on his second wife, then while married to his third wife (I might be getting these numbers wrong) was caught licking whipped cream off the breasts of two women.
Of course, the reason I'm thinking such dirty thoughts is that, recently, two staunch conservative Republicans mentioned as potential presidential candidates, John Ensign, Senator from Nevada, and Mark Sanford, Governor of South Carolina, admitted to cheating, and, of course, to covering up their affairs. (Ensign's parents gave his mistress, a former Ensign staffer, and her husband, nearly $100gs in hush money!) Both of these men, then Congressmen, expressed revulsion at Clinton's actions and strongly urged him to resign, then voted to impeach him.
Obviously, every single person who supported impeachment is under suspicion of being a cheater - something about what Freudians call "reaction formation." Let's put them all under oath and ask them!
And here's my other fantastic plan - just listen. Let's outlaw nonmarital sex (and while we're at it, drug use and intoxication of all sorts). I know - while we're making these things illegal, let's create religions that make all such behaviors mortal sins! For sure that'll eliminate illicit sex, homosexuality, drug use, and intoxication for all time! It works in Iran, doesn't it? (Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad declared there were no gays in Iran, NONE, after all.)
Remember, you heard it here first.