The Republican Governors Association begins its meetings today, and candidates are vying to lead the GOP going forward. A poll shows that most Republicans favor Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin as their presidential nominee for 2012, followed by Baptist minister and former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee. An attractive new face is Bobby Jindal, Louisiana's Governor. All share one striking trait - they don't believe in evolution!
I have obtained a secret tape of party leaders planning the Republican platform for the 21st Century.
Leader 1: We need to get back in tune with the typical American voter, yet differentiate ourselves from the Democrats.
Leader 2: Well, they've cornered that intellectual crowd, what with Obama and his wife's Ivy League pedigrees.
Leader 1: People don't like those smarty-pants anyhow. We should go in the opposite direction.
Leader 2: One place they're vulnerable is on that gay thing - even the voters that turned out in droves for them rejected same-sex marriage - and not only in Florida and Arizona, but California!
Leader 1: Yeah, the traditional values crowd still carries the day. Too bad Obama turned out to be an actual Christian, or we could have tarred him with that "intellectual atheist" label - deadly. Remember Stevenson?
Leader 2: We need to look for candidates who don't buy into that whole science ball of wax.
Leader 1: Well, Palin and Huckabee are strong in that area - neither believes in evolution. What about Bobby Jindal?
Leader 2: He's a fundamentalist too - he worries about demonic possession, like Palin does, and favors exorcisms.
Leader 1: Perfect! Could we have the convention in Kentucky? I can just see a shot of all of the candidates visiting that creationist museum there - you know, the one where they show dinosaurs getting on Noah's Arc.
Leader 2: That's great - as many Americans believe in flying saucers as believe in evolution.
Leader 1: That makes me think - now don't shoot this down right away - but you know that Democratic Congressman who ran for president against the war - what's his name?
Leader 2: You mean Kucinovich?
Leader 1: Yeah, hasn't he reported seeing UFOs - maybe we can create a coalition that crosses party lines.
Leader 2: Let me think about it.
Leader 1: We have to move beyond creationism, gay-bashing, and exorcisms to beat those damn Dems! - we need something new.
Leader 2: I've been thinking about this one for a while - why don't we revive the old earth circling the sun controversy?
Leader 1: I've always wondered how they knew that. Doesn't the sun rise in the east each day? You can see it with your own eyes.
Leader 1: When was that?
Leader 2: 1992.
Leader 1: Why bother after three and a half centuries? Leave well enough alone.
Leader 2: Anyhow, here's how I see our campaign slogan: "Vote for Palin, and put America back at the center of the universe, where it belongs." What do you think?
Leader 1: Perfect. We'll slay them - like Saint George did the dinosaur.
Leader 2: That was a dragon. Say, that gives me an idea for a campaign ad. Picture Sarah stabbing a dinosaur with Obama's face on it while the scroll under it reads: "Palin slays atheistic science."
Leader 1: That's the kind of creativity we need to bring Republicans into the modern world!