A shocking secret transcript has been uncovered, in which Alaska Governor and GOP Republican VP candidate, Sarah Palin, accuses Democrats of witchcraft:
Palin: We need to call in Bishop Thomas Muthee to clear my campaign plane of witchcraft. I just feel its presence everywhere.
Aide: What makes you say that, Sarah?
Palin: I know I put my briefing papers down on my seat - the ones that explain the difference between a senator and congressperson - and the next thing, they were back in my briefcase. I think that's pretty solid evidence, don't you?
Aide: Do you think the Democrats are using Voodoo?
Palin: You can bet on it, just as surely as people used to keep dinosaurs for pets! Have you noticed, Caribbean voters are four-square behind them? I caught someone trying to remove a strand of my hair. . .
Aide: . . .to make a Voodoo doll!
Palin: Exactly. I even blame Demonic possession for my daughter's becoming pregnant - how can you explain it otherwise, when I told her never to have sex until marriage or she would go to hell! And, have you noticed, DEMOn/DEMOcrat!
Aide: I see what you mean.
Palin: Of course, we're so close to Russia, they could be sending witchcraft signals across the Bering Sea. I wonder if we could convene a witchcraft trial at the Geneva World Court? Those Salem people had a lot of folk wisdom!
Aide: Do you think the Defense Department has an anti-witchcraft shield they can coat our plane with?
Palin: What a great idea! I'll put it in my notebook - oh where have they transubstantiated it to now!?!
The tape is suddenly filled with cracking electronic distortion, as though the devil was throwing lightening bolts - you can't escape the forces of evil, even in Alaska, where the saved will gather in order to be transported to Heaven on Judgment Day, according to Palin's church.
[NOTICE: NO SUCH TRANSCRIPT EXISTS. Rather, I observed the above meeting during an out-of-body experience I had, where I narrowly missed Vladimir Putin's plane coming into American air space from the opposite direction.]
Sample comment (I promise I didn't make it up myself):
An evil mind concocts all manner of expressing untruths against the people of God. You, Mr. Peele, are crazier than the proverbial betsy bug!!!