I have a close male friend who is a womanizer. He has slept with the majority of women I know and is notorious for breaking people's hearts and making women fall in love with him. He often sends me mixed messages but has made it clear—through words only—that he wants only a friendship with me. Embarrassingly, I have feelings for this friend. When I informed him of this, he was sensitive and gentle but uninterested. This is the fourth relationship where I have fallen for a close male friend and then broken off the friendship when they did not see me as sexually desirable. I am tired of being the girl every guy wants to be around but no guy wants to be with, which is something I attribute to my weight. How do I break this pattern of destructive relationships?

I presume you mean you weigh more than you would like. As you are discovering, that's a distinct disadvantage on the mate market. It's not an absolute deterrent, but most of the time—unless you have a compelling personality or other features—it drastically narrows a woman's choices. That's a fact of life. You have to decide whether you want to conform to the dominant male image of female desirability—not for their purposes but for yours. It's physically healthy, for one thing. It's an easier way to live all around. And it gives you more options. Don't you want to have the opportunity to choose a mate, not just settle for any guy who will pay you attention? That's one choice you have to make.

The more important issue is, why do you keep putting yourself in situations where you know you are going to be hurt, either by a frankly inappropriate mate candidate or by a male you know is not likely to find you sexually desirable? By your description, even Mr. Inappropriate doesn't sound as if he was mean to you. The destructiveness, then, is directly attributable to your disappointment. You seem to fall for guys who accept you as a friend. Maybe you are misreading their signals of friendship as romance and getting your hopes up inappropriately. If, at any weight, you respected yourself more, you wouldn't have to let your hopes settle on only those guys willing to be friends. When you lose them as romantic possibilities, you are so devastated that you end the friendship as well, suffering a double loss. Whether or not you choose to lose weight, resolve not to fall for any guy just because he's near. And learn to read signals better.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. We have practically no sex life. We have only had sex about five times, four of which were unsuccessful. He has taken Viagra because he can't hold an erection; it seems he is still failing. I've told him in detail exactly how to please me, how to get me in the mood. He still insists he doesn't know how to ignite his passion. I thought I could live without a sexual relationship, because he treats me so well in all other aspects. However, my urges to "cheat" are becoming very strong. Should I leave him?

It's time to stop focusing on your boyfriend's penis and let him worry about it. Besides, you may get a lot more of what you need—satisfaction. What's driving you crazy is equating sexual success (and failure) with intercourse (or lack of it). Forget about his erections. There's a lot of pleasure and satisfaction to be had through touching and other means. Two people who are attracted to and love each other want to express their feelings physically, and you should be focusing on ALL the ways of doing that, not just on penile penetration. In fact, taking the pressure off erection just may reignite his passion. Making erection the be-all and end-all of intimacy is like driving across the country and missing the scenery. All you can think is: "Are we there yet?" Not only are his erections not required for a great love life, but waiting for them can (and it sounds like it already has) destroy the many pleasures of connecting sensually and emotionally—and you need to discover and linger among those. The pressure you put on him to demonstrate love via erection, and the performance fears that generates in him, actually interferes with sexual arousal. Erection is one of those things people just have to let happen; trying to make it happen is counterproductive. Instead of working toward erection, focus on expressing your feelings for each other through touch. And don't give your boyfriend explicit instructions; that may be part of the problem as well. Lie back, relax and encourage him to touch you all over in pleasurable ways. Discover your own body and what gets you aroused where. Make sure you don't keep the news to yourself; let him know when he makes you feel good. A good way to heighten the arousal is to ask your boyfriend to put a blindfold on you, so that you don't know where he is going to touch you next. The surprise compounds the sensation. Become an active sexual partner to him, too; put all your feelings into the ways you touch him, exploring new possibilities as excitement builds. Tease each other: Let arousal build and then pull back a bit. Take time to "fool around," savoring every sensation. Of course, make sure that you and your boyfriend express affection for each other outside the bedroom, too, and stay emotionally and physically connected through hugging, kissing, teasing and other displays of affection.