Tip Sheet: Uh, Thanks?

You may have trouble remembering the best compliment you’ve ever received, but you can probably remember the worst (maybe because it left you wondering: Wait, was that actually an insult?). If you want a compliment to really feel like a compliment, here are four pitfalls to avoid.

The Irreverent Compliment

It’s not just what you say but how you say it. A compliment offered in a condescending tone conveys surprise (intentional or not) that the recipient is doing something impressive. A single drop of sarcasm can turn praise into an insult, so straightforward sincerity is the best policy.

The Envious Compliment

Are you really offering kudos, or do you just want to know how you can get that hairstyle/become a math whiz/learn to bake? If you have an ulterior motive, the recipient may notice. Keep it personal and simple (“I love your dress”) without turning into Nancy Drew (“Where did you get it?”).

The Too-Frequent Compliment

Compliments are subject to inflation: The more you give out, the lower their value. Nonstop praise can come off as phony—even if you’re being honest, it’s best to give the constant adulation a rest. Save your praise for the truly spectacular.

The Ambiguous Compliment

When you mean to say, “This meal you cooked for me is really special,” but what comes out is, “A good meal from you is a rare treat,” you leave the door wide open for misinterpretation. (“So it’s rare when I cook something edible?”) Wording matters; be specific.

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