I'd been with my boyfriend for eight months when I met a woman who totally turned me on. I brushed the feelings aside. But I ran into her again at a party three weeks later. My boyfriend was out of town, and she and I started flirting. The next morning I woke up with a hangover and another woman in my bed! Does cheating with another woman count as cheating? Most men would probably be turned on at the thought of their girlfriend with another woman. I still haven't told my boyfriend about the episode, nor have I seen the woman again. Should I tell him about it? Is it worth ruining a good relationship over an incident that will probably never happen again?
Let's be clear: Cheating is cheating; it's not a matter of gender but of violation of trust. Eight months into a relationship there is likely the expectation of exclusivity. If you did something you wouldn't disclose to your boyfriend, it's cheating. Whether you tell him about the incident is another matter entirely. One important consideration is how a decision to tell or not will affect you and your way of being in the relationship. "Getting away with it" can actually subtly stimulate more transgressive behavior. But telling your boyfriend about an incident that is firmly in the past may not be worth the distress to him. The fact is, life is messy, and complete honesty, while usually the best policy, is not always so. Sparing someone unnecessary pain is a loving act if—this is the catch—you can also let go of the incident. Now that you have experienced a same-sex attraction, have you opened a door in your psyche that you may walk through again? I don't know that most men are turned on by the thought of two women together, especially if one of them is a girlfriend. Your beau might instead be confused about your sexual preference. Nevertheless, his possible reaction is not the sole measure of your misstep. Attractions are a fact of life. Everyone has to find a way of honoring commitments. If it was purely a one-time experiment, you may want to let the matter drop. But if your boyfriend ever asks whether you've cheated, you must disclose the incident. Keeping secrets from a partner forces you to wall off part of yourself to protect your secret. It destroys intimacy.
Tags:
commitments,
eight months,
exclusivity,
expectation,
fact of life,
feelings,
girlfriend,
good relationship,
hangover,
honesty,
matter of gender,
misstep,
next morning,
psyche,
sexual preference,
two women,
unnecessary pain
