My boyfriend broke up with me recently and told me that it wouldn't work because he thought we weren't right for each other. But we lasted six months and I feel we could have been right. The problem was I communicated too much and he didn't communicate enough. I expressed my disdain for his immaturity and his irresponsible actions. Sometimes I felt like a parent, but I shared this with him because I care about his well-being. I know that I had high expectations and I did sweat the small stuff. He tried to be perfect for me, but he said that, over time, he felt like he wasn't himself anymore. He told me to move on and meet other people—this is my and his first real relationship—and maybe one day it could happen again. I'm confused because he tells me he still loves me, but at the same time he's telling me to meet other people. What does he mean?
He means that it's over, that he cannot be the person you want him to be, that it's no fun trying to meet someone else's goals for you, and that it's unpleasant to be the object of anyone's disdain for any reason, and especially in situations that are supposed to be positive and rewarding. Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if someone constantly criticized your communication style (people do naturally differ in their styles of communication), your immaturity, and your "irresponsibility"? You'd wonder why they're interested in spending any time with you at all.
Two parents are enough for most people; no one needs an extra one to remind them of their deficiencies—it's the wrong strategy in romantic relationships. That should have been a tip-off to you that you're in the wrong relationship with the wrong person. In our culture, the purpose of dating is to enjoy the company and personality of someone, to get to know that person well, to see them in many different contexts, to come to understand their true values and goals in life, and to see how they enact those values and goals. Finding the right partner requires some experimentation rather than attachment to a specific outcome from the start. Compatibility usually involves some degree of appreciating each other's inner and outer qualities and bringing out the best in each other. It may be that you are coming from different cultures with differing views of dating and differing pressures on marriage.
It's never wise to foist your goals or pressures onto another person. That's usually one way to force the end of a relationship that, over time, might have evolved into something two people wanted to invest in, not just one. It's not clear why you wanted this relationship to be The One. You didn't seem to enjoy it any more than he did. Yes, it's nice to have a partner to do things with. But you need someone who values your best qualities and brings them out, just as you do with them—someone who demonstrates caring. It's always sad when a relationship comes apart, but why force something that two people aren't enjoying? When a boyfriend says it's time to move on, believe it.
Tags:
communication style,
deficiencies,
different contexts,
disdain,
goals in life,
high expectations,
immaturity,
Irresponsibility,
personality,
ra,
relationship,
romantic relationships,
shoes,
six months,
small stuff,
true values,
wrong person
