Advice: Kids and Sex

I am a 26-year-old female currently in counseling mostly for self-esteem issues, but I have also had depression, OCD, anxiety, and panic attacks. I'm not sure if the following has anything to do with it, but when I was a child (maybe 7-ish) my younger brother and I engaged in kissing and other sexual explorations; there was never any penetration. I had a similar experience with an older cousin; at the time, I wasn't sure what was happening. And much to my regret, I did the same thing to a girl neighbor. I've been thinking about what happened a lot lately and have never told anyone about it before.

Thank you for your trust. It's very clear that you are carrying a huge burden of guilt and shame over long-ago acts. That is the reason you have not confided in anyone about your youthful actions. Engaging in sexual exploration with playmates and even close-age siblings is a very common childhood activity. It represents the expression of a healthy curiosity, although it often makes adults uncomfortable. Many react by deeming sexual curiosity "bad." Perhaps the explorations were accompanied by the strange sensations of pleasure. Or you feel troubled by the fact of same-sex exploration with the neighbor. "Doing the same thing to" the neighbor suggests that there might have been some coercion, which could be a further source of guilt. Mutual exploration is one thing, exploitation is another. It is also not clear what went on with your older cousin, but age discrepancies among children engaging in sexual play, even when enjoyable, suggest the possibility of exploitation or abuse. This is what may have confused you about your cousin.

Guilt arises from having acted in a way that violated a code of right and wrong; shame arises from beliefs that you are therefore an unworthy human being. The shame is destroying your self-esteem and making you feel like a terrible person. Feelings of shame give rise, too, to depression and anxiety, including panic attacks. They are clearly related to your childhood sexual explorations and it is essential that you disclose them in counseling. A supportive counselor will help you understand why you feel lasting distress and help you distinguish between activities that are healthy expressions of curiosity and those that involved exploitation. It is most important to settle these matters now, so that you can free yourself to develop healthy intimate relationships involving mutuality and trust.