Within three months of relocating to a new city for a job, I was engaged to a wonderful guy who turned out to be a raging alcoholic. While drunk, he tried to break my arm, damaged my property, and threatened to kill me and my children. I still love him, even after two years, two arrests, and a restraining order. He blames the alcohol and our not being married and living in sin. I still want to be with him despite our history. I'm smart and intelligent and I know what I should do, but is there a chance that he can change for the better?
Do you mean, is there a chance he can give up alcohol? Possibly. But waiting for that to happen not only puts you and your family in continuing danger, it's like expecting the tooth fairy to make an appearance—better to make more reliable plans. Without the numbing effects of alcohol, Mr. Wrong will come smack up against the pain that causes him to lash out so violently at others. He'd have to be willing to confront it and come to terms with it, preferably with the help of a competent psychotherapist, as it already proves too much for him to bear on his own.
But why risk your life hoping for him to turn his around? He's already displayed his character, and it doesn't look like anything worth living with in any town. Moving somewhere new can be a lonely proposition, at least at first, but a guy who tries to kill you and your kids isn't worthy of your love anywhere. Let us count the ways. First is his streak of violence. His anger isn't magically going to evaporate; only he can control his emotions. And although he tries to make you believe that the source is you or your living situation, his anger really stems from within him, from some deep uncertainties about himself that only he can fix. Second is his willingness to blame anything and everything instead of taking responsibility for his horrible behavior. Not being married "made" him want to kill you and your children? And you're willing to believe that violence makes sense as a way of reconciling possible violations of values?
Three months is not enough time to get to know anyone, anywhere, certainly not well enough to be engaged, especially when your track record on relationships is imperfect. To get a real fix on a potential mate (or anyone else) you need to observe him or her in a variety of situations over time, and ideally you need the input of friends as well. A veneer of character so thin it evaporates with a couple of drinks is a major clue to keep looking. Aside from being a questionable judge of character, you have too little respect for yourself. What's worse, you're willing to put your children in harm's way for what you get from Mr. Wrong. Whatever it is, it just isn't enough.
Instead of wondering whether Mr. Wrong will change, something that may never happen, focus on what you can control—your need to change. First up might be the neediness for companionship that propels you into the arms of a violent person. Do you believe you don't deserve better? What is the worst that could happen if you didn't date for a few months and then approached any relationship very slowly? Wouldn't you be better off for now putting energy into making friends rather than finding boyfriends? I hope you are smart enough to realize that marrying this guy—or any action that you take—is not going to change him.
Tags:
anger,
appearance,
effects of alcohol,
emotions,
Job,
psychotherapist,
restraining order,
taking responsibility,
three months,
tooth fairy,
uncertainties,
violence,
willingness
