I am 22 and have been living on my own for several years. My mother is a strict Christian, very authoritarian, who views sex before marriage as a sin and emotionally damaging to women. She does not approve of my relationship with my boyfriend, even though he treats me very well. I've tried for years to get her to see things from my perspective. She continues to try to make me feel guilty and to impose her beliefs on me. I'm wondering if I should send her an email telling her why I never plan to talk to her again.
It's one thing to grow up and be able to make choices about how you want to live. It's another to expect benedictions from everyone, especially those whose values you reject. Be grateful that you do have the freedom to live as you wish. On an issue as fundamental to your mother as premarital sex, which clashes both with her religious beliefs and probably long-ago experience, you simply are wasting time seeking approval—and, as your mother likely sees it, continually challenging her authority. Yes, legally speaking, she no longer has any authority over you, as an adult. But that's not how she views it.
The truly adult thing to do would be to both continue a relationship with her and to stop seeking the explicit validation you will never get. No one but you can make you feel guilty. Deep down you must be able to reassure yourself that your choice of boyfriend is a good one, that he has solid values and beliefs, that you treat each other with respect, and that there is give and take on almost all matters. As you probably know, premarital sex is the norm, and in a responsible, emotionally reciprocal relationship, no one is taking everything and no one is giving everything. Your mother's view is simply not representative of the way most young people approach relationships—but I urge you not to try to persuade her of that.
Sending an email explaining why you will never talk to her again will not do any good, and it could do a lot of harm. More important, it is unnecessary. It is highly likely that you will want to speak to her again sometime. You don't have to jettison the whole relationship just because you and she can't agree on the nature of your relationship with your boyfriend.
Try letting things cool down for a while with your mother. It's not clear why there has to be any email discussion of your boyfriend relationship. As for being around her, it's time that, as adults, you set some ground rules for an improved relationship, one that reduces the inner turmoil you likely both experience. It is very common for adults and grown children to have to renegotiate their relationship; many parents are reluctant to let go. Further, in our fast-moving and choice-laden culture, parents often see different lifestyle choices by their children as a rejection of them personally.
But you needn't renegotiate the relationship with your mother in a defiant way. Demonstrate to her the respect you want for yourself. Let her know that you are happy making your own way in the world and that you feel you were well-prepared for that. Assure her that it would mean much to you if you had her approval for your choices, but that you know it clashes with her beliefs. And the best way to handle this area of difference right now is to mark it as off limits for discussion. If she can agree, great. If not, let her know her decision saddens you—but the door is open any time.
Tags:
Choices,
clashes,
email,
freedom,
marriage,
norm,
people relationships,
perspective,
premarital sex,
religious beliefs,
sex before marriage,
validation,
values and beliefs,
wasting time,
young people
