What makes marriage work?

It's how you resolve conflict that matters most.

By John Gottman, Nan Silver, published on March 01, 1994 - last reviewed on October 01, 2009

2. Now share the names with one another and tell why you feel the good marriages work and the bad marriages don't. Perhaps you admire how one couple is raising their children, or you disapprove of the way another couple berates one another in front of company.

3. Talk about your own marriage in relation to these good and bad marriages. Compare the way you and your spouse manage to get through difficult times with the way each of these couples handle their challenges. Can you identify behaviors you want to avoid? Are there things you'd like to emulate?

4. Talk about your own ability as a couple to overcome hardship. Have you weathered episodes or incidents of which you're particularly proud? If so, how did you do it?

REPAIRING THE DAMAGE

Fortunately, in most relationships, there are ways of fixing things. I call these "repair mechanisms." Often, they are needed most when people are frustrated and angry, so they are said with some irritation or hurt, or even accompanied by an insult or threat. But they are repair mechanisms nonetheless.

Happily married couples use certain phrases and actions during an argument that prevent negativity from spiraling out of control. In effect, these conciliatory gestures act as a glue that helps to hold the marriage together during tense times.

1. Try to make comments about the communication process itself, such as "Please let me finish," or "We're getting off the topic," or "That hurt my feelings."

2. Comment on what's happening while it's taking place, not afterward.

3. Remind your partner that you admire and empathize with them despite the conflict.

4. Use phrases such as "Yes, I see," "Uh huh," or "Go on." These are little psychological strokes at which stable couples are masters.