What makes marriage work?

It's how you resolve conflict that matters most.

By John Gottman, Nan Silver, published on March 01, 1994 - last reviewed on October 01, 2009

o Repeating Yourself. Rather than attempting to understand the spouse's point of view, couples who specialize in this technique simply repeat their own position to each other again and again. Both think they are right and that trying to understand the other's perspective is a waste of time.

The first step toward breaking out of defensiveness is to no longer see your partner's words as an attack but as information that is being strongly expressed. Try to understand and empathize with your partner. This is admittedly hard to do when you feel under siege, but it is possible and its effects are miraculous. If you are genuinely open and receptive when your partner is expecting a defensive response, he or she is less likely to criticize you or react contemptuously when disagreements arise.

THE FOURTH HORSEMAN: STONEWALLING

Exhausted and overwhelmed by Pamela's attacks, Eric eventually stopped responding, even defensively, to her accusations. Their marriage went from being marred by poor communication to being virtually destroyed by none. Once Eric stopped listening to Pamela, their relationship became extraordinarily difficult to repair. Instead of arguing about specific issues, every confrontation degenerated into Pamela screaming at Eric that he was shutting her out: "You never say anything. You just sit there. It's like talking to a brick wall."

Stonewalling often happens while a couple is in the process of talking things out. The stonewaller just removes himself by turning into a stone wall. Usually someone who is listening reacts to what the speaker is saying, looks at the speaker, and says things like "Uh huh" or "Hmmm" to indicate he is tracking. But the stonewaller abandons these messages, replacing them with stony silence.

Stonewallers do not seem to realize that it is a very powerful act: It conveys disapproval, icy distance, and smugness. It is very upsetting to speak to a stonewalling listener. This is especially true when a man stonewalls a woman. Most men don't get physiologically aroused when their wives stonewall them, but wives' heart rates go up dramatically when their husbands stonewall them.

The fourth horseman need not mark the end of a relationship. But if your interactions have deteriorated to this extent you are at great risk of catapulting even farther down the marital cascade--becoming so overwhelmed by the negativity in your relationship that you end up divorced, separated, or living lonely, parallel lives in the same home. Once the fourth horseman becomes a regular resident, it takes a good deal of hard work and soul-searching to save the marriage.

The four horsemen are not the end of the line. It is only after they turn a relationship sour that the ultimate danger arises: Partners seize on powerful thoughts and beliefs about their spouse that cement their negativity. Only if these inner thoughts go unchallenged are you likely to topple down the final marital cascade, one that leads to distance and isolation. However, if you learn to recognize what is happening to your once-happy marriage, you can still develop the tools you need to regain control of it.

KEYS TO IMPROVING YOUR MARRIAGE

When you're feeling overwhelmed, make a deliberate effort to calm yourself. This strategy eases the need to be defensive and to stonewall--two of the "Four Horsemen"--and undercuts the physical feelings that sustain the thoughts that maintain distress.

From the data gathered in our lab we've seen how quickly discussions fall apart as soon as one spouse's heart rate begins to soar. Learning how to calm down helps prevent unproductive fighting or running away from the important discussions you may need to have.

In addition, listening or speaking without being defensive helps to counter several destructive habits. If you happen to be a nondefensive listener, chances are it will make the cycle of negativity much less likely. And a nondefensive attitude on your part also helps to defuse the need to stonewall, particularly for men. But keep in mind that defensiveness is a two-way street; if you start speaking nondefensively, you will lessen your partner's need to be defensive.

Letting your spouse know that you understand him or her is also one of the most powerful tools for healing your relationship. It is an antidote to criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. Instead of attacking or ignoring your partner's point of view, you try to see the problem from his or her perspective and show that you think his or her viewpoint may have some validity.

When you've had one successful fight using these techniques, you may think you've fully mastered the strategies. But these lessons have to be practiced often. So often, in fact, that they become completely automatic. Each time you rehearse being nondefensive or validating is a new and different experience and it's important to keep trying even when you're tired and don't feel like it. The idea is that if you overlearn a communication skill, you'll have ready access to it when you need it most--during a heated argument with your spouse when you are physiologically aroused.

EXERCISE: HOW DO WE COMPARE?

This exercise gives you a chance to see the strengths of your marriage by comparing yourselves to other couples in your lives.

1. Each of you jot down the names of four different couples you both know. Two should be examples of "bad" marriages; two of "good" marriages.